Tribute to the BF

I am trying to get closer to my partner Maiyuu. We do not see each other much, which is a shame. Yesterday, for example, I left home at 5pm for an appointment across town. He left home at midnight to go to work, and slept over there. We next met each other today at 3pm - just two hours before I was due to go out again.

For a long time, his absences did not bother me, but lately I am finding him more attractive. I am also in need of more emotional and physical comfort myself. Sometimes it is hard to get through a whole day without touching anyone, in any meaningful or intimate sense.

When he lies on his bed, I like to sit next to him and rub his legs, kiss his back, or stroke his hair - anything he is willing to tolerate. For he does not warm to touch easily, after we spent many years hardly touching each other at all.

Other factors complicate Maiyuu's feelings towards me. My mood shifts scare him, and he feels guilty about his absences at night.

'If I was here at night, you would not have to go out drinking so often,' he says.

Actually, I would still go, as I need the company. One can have too much of a good thing - spending every night with my partner would quickly become boring. We would end up not being attracted to each other, but irritated and bored by each other's presence. Even when we are home, he seems to spend more time on his cellphone than he does talking to me.

Still, one reason our relationship lasts is that we are not in each other's hair all the time. I realise he needs his own life, just as he is prepared to give me the freedom to mix with my friends of the night.

Some of my past relationships hurt him. He has not forgiven me, because they caused him emotional pain, and told him bad things about my character.

He fears that if the right circumstances presented themselves, I could take up with a new boy again, and plunge into an intense relationship. In that case, my renewed interest in Maiyuu would fade.

'I am not seeing other guys,' I told him the other day.

'You never know the future,' he said.

Actually, I am not prepared to forswear anything. We both know that I could meet some guy who takes my fancy.

However, he would be a mere playmate, not someone I would want to take on as a partner.

Here, my partner is the one guy on whom I can rely to return my phone calls or text messages - which, on the face of it, isn't saying much, but is more than most of my Thai friends can manage.

In a land where everyone seems too busy having a good time to care about matters of the heart (or stomach, or even everyday concerns such as paying bills on time), it actually means a lot.

He is the guy who can offer me a cuddle when I need one, and whom I can hug when he is in need of affection.

He seldom leans on me for emotional support, as he does not want to bother me. He worries I would get stressed, then take out my frustration on him. Most things in his life, Maiyuu keeps to himself.

'I don't like talking to women much, as they are too much bother,' he said the other day.

Gays are such an odd lot.

Maiyuu doesn't want to share, because to share is to burden others. If he encounters problems at work, I seldom hear about them. By the same token, he doesn't like to hear my complaints, either. We both pretend our lives are humming along beautifully, when in fact they may have hit snags.

But then where would life be without such little dramas?

Maiyuu, like most Thais, is a thinker. 'We should look to others who are less fortunate than us, to remind us occasionally that our own lives are not so bad,' he said.

Maiyuu has a friend called Ken, who lost his family home in a house fire, and now has no job. Ken has turned to selling his body for money, because at present he cannot help himself any other way.

'I gave him B200 the other day, as he had just five baht left in his wallet.'

'You should not feel guilty about giving him the money,' I said.

'I don't feel guilty! I feel humbled that I am in more fortunate circumstances than him.'

In each other, Maiyuu and I accept the good, along with the bad. We have also built up a web of mutual obligations to one another. He has been part of my life for almost seven years. I cannot easily repay that debt.

'I know your heart, needs and wants better than anyone else,' Maiyuu said one night, as we held each other on bed.

Can anyone else make such a claim?

After so many years of tolerating each other, bearing witness to each other's ups and downs, and simply just being there - the answer, of course, is No.