Gordon's bathroom treatment

No, not the BF...BTS Jin

I want to enter my Thai boyfriend in a reality show contest.

Our place needs cleaning, and since he is a fan of reality shows such as Hell's Kitchen, he should grasp the concept quickly.

The host of that show, London chef Gordon Ramsay, uses the F word with great abandon. When he swears, the young cooking charges in his kitchen take notice.

If he doesn't like what they have cooked, he is even prepared to close his restaurant, and send diners away with empty stomachs, rather than serve them food which is below-standard.

I can't swear at my boyfriend, of course, as he would get upset, then refuse to do anything at home. But in a fantasy world, I could call on Gordon to do it.

Today, I cleaned the bathroom floor, then mopped a small balcony attached to one room of our condo.

The outside temperature must have been close to 40 deg.

While I was getting hot and sweaty cleaning, my Thai boyfriend was - what - helping with the ironing? Painting?

No. He was sitting in the other room, looking for details of Madonna's latest album on the internet.

Our bathroom floor is laid with wooden slatted grills. You see their likes in saunas. I lifted each one, cleaned it, then put it on the balcony to dry. Then I scrubbed the floor itself, followed by the walls.

The cleaning momentum stalled when I realised that we had run out of wall cleanser. I went down to the market to buy it, the first of three or four trips into the market which I made on errands today, while the boyfriend sat ensconced in the condo.

When the bathroom was done, I started on the balcony. I gathered up some potted plants which died long ago, and which the boyfriend has promised to remove but never has, and threw them in the rubbish.

Then I scrubbed the tiled floor surface of the balcony with a brush and rag until it was clean.

This cleaning activity took some time, but the boyfriend, unperturbed, carried on looking for Madonna songs.

As I took the pot plants out to the rubbish in the hall, I passed Maiyuu sitting in front of his computer.

'Now that you have done that job, don't complain that I didn't help you,' he said. 'I have offered to do it, but you don't listen.'

He does offer - he just never does it. Sometimes this impatient farang gets tired of waiting.

Later, as I wandered down to the bank on another errand, to withdraw money for our joint living expenses, I had a daydream where two contestants who look astonishingly like Maiyuu and I were taking part in a reality show contest.

The host's name is Gordon. He's a professional chef who takes little nonsense from anyone. The contestants are Mr Farang, and Mr Thai.

Gordon: So, here we are, then. Today, in a new twist to the show, I'm getting my young charges to clean the bathrooms of my restaurant.

Mr Farang, here's your scrubbing brush, plastic bucket, and cleaning solution. Today, you're doing the bathroom with Mr Thai.

Farang: Cheers, Gordon.

Thai: What's a scrubbing brush, plastic bucket, and cleaning solution? How do I use them?

Gordon: What the f**ck do you mean, you don't know how to use them? Do you really expect this farang to do the whole job himself? Get in there and do some work!

(Gordon shoves the Thai contestant inside bathroom. The Thai goes into a sulk.)

Half an hour later, Gordon returns to inspect what they have done.

Gordon: This is the worst example of a f**cking cleaning job I have ever seen! The challenge is over, but the work is only half done. Did anyone show any initiative?

Mr Farang: Well, Mr Thai used the brush to scrub his nails. He didn't have any thinner, so he used the cleaning solution to take off his nail polish instead.

As for the bucket, he used that to sit on while I scrubbed the floor. So, he did show some initiative, yes.

Gordon: What are you, his f**cking cheerleader or something! That's no excuse!

Mr Thai: Don't grumble to me if the bathroom isn't clean. I wasn't ready to do it yet, and Mr Farang was happy to step in and clean it alone. He just failed to finish it on time...

Gordon: So, it's really his fault?

(Mr Thai checks his nails, and says nothing.)

Gordon: Well, that's f**cking brilliant, but what about my bathroom? The guests are arriving in a few minutes. I don't want to have to tell them to f**ck off because my cleaners haven't finished the bathroom yet. Close the place down!