Show him who's boss

A regular reader who posts bravely behind the name 'anonymous' has been offering me advice on what to do with my boyfriend.

For his own good, he says, I should force him out to get a job. I should give him a deadline, and if he fails to meet it, tell him to find a new home.

Anonymous was annoyed when I said I might have to negotiate with boyfriend Maiyuu before I visit the dentist next week. I want to make sure I have the money in hand when I go for my appointment.

I have asked Maiyuu to withdraw the money from our main account. For the sake of convenience, and because I like to 'empower' him with responsibility for the finances, he holds the ATM card.

If he does not give the money to me, I would have to use my own money, which would be silly, as I would rather keep that for when we really need it.

The anonymous reader reckons I lack the courage to upset him. He says I have fallen into an unhealthy relationship of co-dependency with my boyfriend, and that he should contribute financially, or get out.

Of course he should get a job, and help me pay the rent. It all sounds wonderful, in theory.

A few practical obstacles remain.

My boyfriend is gay. I can't expect him to cut up pig carcasses in a fresh market.

He has skills in particular areas, such as cooking, clothes-making and design.

I would like him to get a job which makes use of those skills...but at his age, and with his lack of qualifications, finding such jobs is hard.

If he does find such work, probably it will be through friends, not by knocking on doors.

Even if he gets the job of his dreams, it will be poorly-paid. The cost of getting to work and back will consume most of his earnings, and I will rarely see him.

But let's put that to one side. The farang critic says he must get a job!

Thanks to me, Maiyuu's days of flipping hamburgers at McDonalds, which he did when he first arrived in Bangkok years ago, are over.

That's me indulging him, Mr Anon would say. True, I wouldn't want to see him in such unrewarding work. But they wouldn't want him anyway - he's too old.

In any case, why should it be my job to lay down the law? Some foreigners appear to think that it is their duty, if not their right.

I have tried the confrontational approach. It makes him angry and does not always lead to an improvement.

I now try more subtle approaches, which over time I hope will achieve the same result.

Maiyuu owes it to himself to get a job and build a better life. If I fell under the Klong Toey bus tomorrow, he would have no home, no job, and no money.

If it was me, I would do whatever I could to make myself as financially independent as possible, for my own peace of mind.

I don't know how he lives with himself, knowing that his health and general welfare - whether he even has a roof over his head - depend on keeping this farang happy.

That's not a fair or satisfactory basis on which to run a relationship, and gives rise to Mr Anon's complaint that we have fallen into a co-dependency rut. Or to put it another way: Where is Maiyuu's self-respect?

That's the way foreigners think, anyway. My Thai boyfriend had a tough childhood. My upbringing in the West was privileged by comparison.

I don't really know what he thinks about financial independence, the power to make one's own decisions in life. He's never had much money. Before he met me, he went from job to job in different provinces, moving about the place with friends.

He would probably think independence was a great idea - if he thought it was possible to achieve.

Someone has to show him that with his skills and background, such goals are still attainable.

I hope that day comes for him - but it won't come if any sooner if I force him out to find a job he does not want.

I shall have to work on him in more subtle ways, which seem lost on some foreigners, whose first instinct when confronted with a Thai boyfriend who does not behave in the way they expect, is to lay down the law.

That might work in a relationship of equals, which each partner gives as good as he gets, and can afford to walk away.

But Thais from poor families do not always think of themselves in such terms, at least where the mighty farang is concerned.

I have education and money which my Thai boyfriend lacks. Mr Anon thinks I should wield the power which those advantages confer to get my way.

I wonder what would happen if Mr Anon should happen to end up with a noodle-cart worker for a mate rather than a tertiary-educated student, which he has at present.

Now, he can afford to insist on equality - if his Thai friend is prepared to pay his share, then he is showing respect to the farang.

Mr Anon has a Thai friend who reckons it's a good thing if a Thai date can pay his own way at least five times, to show he's 'serious' about the farang.

Not all relationships here fall into that tidy category. Just how much money do you think a poor Thai who left school at 15 or 16 can bring to the household?

Want him to 'pay his share' at the movies? Take me out for a meal, to show he really loves me?

Perform any number of other financial tests to show he genuinely cares?

I don't care for the farang money test. It's cheap, nasty and demeaning. Its advocates sound like outsiders...foreigners perpetually on the outside, looking in.

I wonder how the farang who advocates that his Thai dates jump through such hoops would feel if he was the one on the receiving end - told he must pay for this, pay for that, before he qualifies for the exalted status of 'boyfriend'.

Few Thais would insist that farang perform such tricks. They treat them with more respect.