Growing pains

My partner is still on his cooking jag, which is a good thing. However, he also appears moody and uncommunicative. Maybe he needs to get out more?

When I came home from work last night, I found a large cheesecake in the fridge, which he had spent most of the day making.

Last night, after I went to bed, he made puff pastry. The day before, he made a meat loaf and onion soup.

While I go out to work and see people, Maiyuu stays at home, and cooks. His social life might suddenly light up after I walk out the door, but I doubt it.

He appears content to spend hours alone in his own company, cooking or baking.

But is he really happy?

We do not talk much at the moment. Maybe the cooking keeps him preoccupied.

We talked briefly about Academy Fantasia last night, and other tidbits I had read on the internet. It did not grab his attention.

He rarely sits in front of the television any more, as he used to do. The two of us would lie together, propped up on pillows. If I was lucky, he might give me a hug.

These days, he is too busy cooking, or planning his next meal. I suspect he is keeping himself busy because he is not happy. Is it money?

Today I will give him B3000 to meet household expenses. That might brighten him up.

I wish he would see his friends more, or at least try communicating with them.

I don't want any more of his long, fruitless trips to the provinces just yet. But he can always try talking to friends over the telephone.

He spends hours in the toilet adjoining his room, smoking. I wish he would not smoke in such a confined space. He is smoking too much, but I will not stop him. He gets prickly when I try to influence his behaviour.

Maiyuu was once diagnosed and treated for a spot of lung cancer., or so he said.

Am I worried he will get it again? Of course - barely a day goes by when I don't think about it.

Maiyuu is so fiercely independent that even if he did fall ill again, he would probably disappear to some cancer hospital in the provinces and that would be the end of it. He wouldn't want to be a burden.

What does he want? I don't know. But I wish he's go out and see more of the world. If gay Thais think that giving up on work to spend their days at home caring for their foreigner boyfriends is the ideal life, they are kidding themselves.

At work, I am opening up to people, particularly foreign staff, in a way I have not done for months or even years. I am chatting, joking, and having fun, the way I used to do in my old job overseas.

Here, I have never hid the fact that I like guys. The Thais don't care, as it's my business. But for most of my time here, I have let the Thai habit of acting reserved, and keeping things bottled up affect my relations with colleagues at the office.

My foreign colleagues appear to accept what I am, as there are much bigger things to discuss - such as where to find a good beef steak restaurant in Bangkok. A colleague from Ireland sought my advice on this matter the other night.

When I return home, my head is still buzzing with the night's conversation, the lively social interactions at work.

I get back to the condo to a Thai partner who looks morose and is barely interested in talking. It is like running into a brick wall. Why would you do it, if you had a choice?

He will have to find his own way out of the black hole he has entered. I can't help, as he won't let me, and to be frank, I have better things to do with my time.

What I do worry about is that I am outgrowing our relationship. Now, that's a dangerous thought.