Here's an except from an email I sent to a friend, also a reader of this blog, who wants me to stop 'interfering' in the life of Mr Ball and his family.
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You're not the first reader to claim I am 'interfering', presumably because any financial contribution on my part, no matter how small, upsets the natural balance of things.
If they didn't have my money, would they behave any differently? Or to put it another way, does the money I give them make them change their behaviour?
At the moment, I appear only to be aiding and abetting his drinking problem, which is not what I want. His mother called me half a dozen times at work last night. She and other members of the family, including Ball, were drinking at a ya dong stand close to home.
She had bought Ball three bottles of beer, but it wasn't enough...he wanted more. He asked his Mum to call. To sweeten me further, she gave the phone to him so I could speak to the Little Prince himself.
His Mum won't let him drink ya dong any more. When I turned up about midnight, his glass was empty. I gave him B100, he bought two more bottles.
This is not ideal...I don't want to encourage his drinking, but that's all I seem to have accomplished. When I help in other ways, such as topping up his cellphone or giving him money for food at work, Ball appears not to care. He's only interested in booze.
So I might have to talk to his Mum. Or, when I go to see her, I might have to keep my wallet closed.
I wanted to help his life along, because I felt sorry for Ball, and I like his Mum. But these are not the right motives; or, even if they are, they end up with unintended results.
I didn't know giving would be such a hard thing to do. Increasingly, my motives or intentions have nothing to do with it. I can't change the way these people are, so I am stuffed.
14 comments:
ReplyDeleteAnonymous26 March 2010 at 20:24
Ball doesn't need any heros.. he needs friends who value goals and responsibility. Showing up at midnight with additional beer money, shows your status and purpose within that group. Like it or not.. mum gave you a beer booty-call.. let you speak to Ball to sweeten you up.. and you came running. I had a good friend that got hooked on cocaine.. over a period of many months, as his resources ran dry, he tried every kind of persuasion he knew to get me to give him money to get high. I gently refused and it cost me his friendship.. but I was not going to help him ruin his life, or do something that could kill him. Eventually he got clean.. only because he couldn't pay for his drugs.. and dealers don't give them for free. That was a long time ago and I still believe that what I did was right.. for both him and me. Wise up BKK. If Ball's family didn't believe that you became part of their support system in exchange for satisfying your sexual kicks by rubbing your soothing creams on Balls neck, shoulders, and legs.. they'd never presume to think that you'd be willing to act as their personal, all-nite ATM. They know that they're providing you something you want, and they're expecting you to pay to play. JK
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Anonymous26 March 2010 at 21:34
It's your money. If you think it will go to waste/unintended consequences (if you give cash) then stop giving cash. Buy phone cards, take-out food, etc. That way you satisfy your need to contribute without directly supporting behavior you disagree with. If Ball doesn't come to appreciate that, you'll have to decide if giving in to his destructive behavior is worth the affection he rewards you with in return. Even then, it's his choice to drink in excess. You encourage him not to. You're not pouring it down his throat. So don't lose any sleep over it and stay involved as long as the situation meets your needs.
Silicon Farang
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Bkkdreamer26 March 2010 at 23:25
JK:
'They know that they're providing you something you want, and they're expecting you to pay to play.'
That's too cynical. They know I am getting pleasure out of his company, and would like me to contribute to meeting the family's expenses.
'Ball doesn't need any heros.. he needs friends who value goals and responsibility.'
You write as if I have shown no responsibility towards him, which is nonsense.
I want to make an impact for the better on this young man's life, but soimetimes my plans come awry.
At times, his family seems interested mainly in day-to-day happiness, such as the relief which can be found in a brown bottle.
On the other hand, what else are they supposed to do at the tail end of the day...make lofty plans for the future? Or kick back and relax?
I also dislike your reference to my running over there at the first opportunity, as if I can't keep away.
Silicon Farang speaks good sense. We both meet each other's needs, and I don't think the relationship causes too much harm.
As he suggests, I might have to think of better ways to 'target' my help, by buying phone cards rather than handing over cash, for example.
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 01:18
Good or bad, you decide. Either way, you're a Farang and the only thing you have that you can offer these people is your money and apparently it's good enough for them.
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hendrikbkk27 March 2010 at 02:04
ReplyDeleteWell, as Bowie sings, we coudl be heroes jsut for one day...... It al depends what your goal is with ball and his family. if you jsut want to have a good time (whatever that is for you), no harm in giving the odd THB100 now and then and enjoy eachother company. It is ridiculous, as a reader mentioned, to compare this with a coke addiction, it is just a few beers for heaven's sake!
But if you want to improve Ball's life, maybe saving the money you spend on booze is better, so he can make a downpayment on something more meanignfull later, you suggested that yourself. You also could teach him english, so he can better his carreer changes, which I have suggested before.
I agree with an other posting that your relationship wit Ball and his family is monetary based. Maybe you and them have a good time in the proccess of that, but in the end they call you for money, not for friendship or guidance.
The earlier, more hysterical days with Ball were more fun to be honest. it was nice to read about Ball and your reactions, like walking hand in hand back to your condo...
Maybe both parties are wiser now, but I miss those days...
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Bkkdreamer27 March 2010 at 06:40
Anon: That's a rather cold-blooded view of my contribution to their world, but thank you for the observation anyway.
Hendrik: Ball likes to consult me on family problems, which I like.
It's not just about the money, though I can't blame him if he turns to me for help with money occasionally, as he's still young, and knows I want to help him.
Those early Ball days were fun, I agree. We seem to have become much more serious as the relationship has developed, though we still enjoy fun moments in each other's company.
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 07:15
with your qualifications of speaking and writing Thai and your wish to help poor people why not go to Father Joe's operation and help out? There is so much need there with all these kids suffering from abuse and or aids and anything u can do will be so appreciated and rewording you cannot imagine
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 08:54
I think the last poster has a good point about giving money to charities that help slum dwellers, but that's not what you're interested in doing, and there's no reason you should be. You are interested in ball, the beautiful boy with the fragile looks, who at 19 has taken to drink. The fact the you gave him money to buy another couple of bottle tells me that you are realistic about who ball is, at least in terms of his drinking. In many ways I think he is a very fortunate boy, who has an indulging mother who will always make sure he has something to eat and somewhere to sleep, especially when you compare his life the the young and often lovely Isan boys who earn a precarious living hanging around the Malaysia hotel so they can pay their share of the rent, but who often, when the do find a customer, spend the money instead on yaba and go dancing at DJ Station all night with their friends, only realising the next day that that they are flat broke. It doesn't sound as though ball will change, he seems naturally idle. It what happens when his youth and beauty fade away that is the question. As someone said about Stanley Kowolski, the problems will come later. But for now I love reading your story of your love of ball and involvement with his family. All the best, Steve
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 12:37
I was getting redirected to China TV Online. Big Brother is watching us. Gulp! - Ian
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 15:15
I encounter the redirect problem also. I guess someone has hacked/hijacked your blog
Silicon Farang
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 15:38
l also had difficulties earlier, l use a Wii console, it sent it into meltdown though it seems ok now??
l'm glad others have posted, l was worried my Wii was on its last legs.
Hope your blog is alright BD!!!
Love to you both
Wilks xx
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Bkkdreamer27 March 2010 at 17:24
ReplyDeleteThe blog seems fine now.
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Bkkdreamer27 March 2010 at 17:37
Steve: Ball is indeed lucky to have his Mum.
She appears to know all her kids' movements; last night, when I called, she was visiting the Suan Lum night bazaar with a friend.
However, she new Ball had just left home to pick up his girlfriend from work, she knew what he had done earlier that night.
She calls me often during the day, sometimes just to chat - usually about Mr Ball. Last night Mum asked me to call again when I finished work.
She is a good communicator, and a good worrier, too.
I am not sure if he is idle to the bone; I suspect he just wanted a job which makes him feel good about himself.
He didn't want to be an ordinary security guard who has to stand about at the gate to some condo, swatting mosquitos all night.
His present job offers him air-con comfort, working in the central business district. That sounds much smarter when you tell your friends.
That said, Ball is still learning about responsibility. He thinks little of calling in sick for the day, even when his boss is relying on him. As he gets older, hopefully that will change.
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Ray30 March 2010 at 03:30
You surf the net on a Wii? OMG you poor thing!
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