In English, the word ‘relationship’ is heavy and burdensome. It is fraught with expectations, not always reciprocated equally by the other side, which for some of my readers can only mean one thing:
‘Exploitation!’
I can’t expect Ball, aged just 19, will return my interest in me, think on the same thought plane, or even give a damn. I know this, and still I carry on.
B-a-a-d news!
He’s a teenager, and I am twice his age. I like taking on the caring role, while he is still busy trying to find himself.
How could it be anything but exploitative?
Lighten up, people. Let the lad be. And give me a break too, while you’re at it!
Why do readers insist on reading sinister things into what could be an innocent pairing?
Where I am concerned, not a few readers here have concluded that I can have only malign motives. I want to get into his pants, and that’s it.
Where Ball is concerned, not a few readers have decided that this young man is a waster, and that - regardless of how he shapes up in the eyes of a judgemental world - I am taking advantage of his weakness for the brown stuff to ingratiate myself into his life.
News flash: Of course I find him attractive. I wouldn’t bother turning up in his living room every day if I didn’t.
But it’s just possible that those feelings can be paired with higher, worthier things.
This is a young man who, on the first night we met, ended up in my arms in tears, reminiscing about his Dad...and who still confides in me about family matters which he says he can’t tell his Mum, or his other friends.
He likes to have me around as a father figure, though he won't admit it. Is that so bad?
As for my interests in this affair – oops, business – Mr Ball meets my need, in my lonely middle age, to care for someone as if he were my own.
I like worrying about him. What is he doing? How will he overcome this or that problem? What will he do next, to shock or delight us?
He’s tiny, still forming into an adult. You think he should be harvested? Only by a girl his own age, thanks.
If you think I would take something which is not mine in such a wanton fashion, you’re out of your mind.
Some might say I am just besotted, and that if someone else came along, I’d quickly forget him.
Quite possibly!
But for the time being, I enjoy my time with Ball. I love being part of his family, and having a place to belong.
If he said goodbye tomorrow, I’d be heartbroken.
But I’d still know I did the best I could to make him a better man.
As I have said here before, this life is about giving. What else is there, to make it all worthwhile?
We can't all change the world, people. Why not let it be?
15 comments:
ReplyDeleteAnonymous27 March 2010 at 21:16
Your site is still being hacked/hijacked. Try checking it from another computer.
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Anonymous27 March 2010 at 23:26
Same same for me....
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Bkkdreamer28 March 2010 at 04:57
It's fine for me, and I'm now on another computer.
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samart28 March 2010 at 08:01
The problem is still present (an automatic redirect from your page to another page) and is very annoying.
No idea what the reason is. Did you possibly put in a new "gadget" recently?
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Bkkdreamer28 March 2010 at 08:06
Samart: Thank you. The only gadget I have added recently is the currency converter, which, to be on the safe side, I have now removed.
I hope this fixes the redirect problem, as I can't think of what else it could be.
Google reports no problems with Blogger getting hacked today.
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Anonymous28 March 2010 at 08:57
BKK.. several times now you've written about your friendship with Ball where you described yourself as a welcomed and caring mentor for someone who's younger and much less fortunate. I know that there's truth in what you've written. I've had and been a mentor myself. But none of my mentors checked to see if I was wearing underwear, picked my scabs, ran their fingers through my hair or rubbed cream on my bare legs. Because mentoring isn't about creepy older men trying anything they can to cop a feel.
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Bkkdreamer28 March 2010 at 09:08
It's called lust. Get over it.
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Anonymous28 March 2010 at 10:56
And while all this is going on, the BF sits at home, neglected and wondering about the future. According to you, every time you visit your family, he worries you might not come back. Yet he puts up with your infatuation with Ball. If I'd done what you are doing to my BFs, they would have moved out long ago. - Ian
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Anonymous28 March 2010 at 11:00
There's a line between being a meaningful influence (Mentor) in a persons life and being there to satisfy one's own sexual gratification or to somehow quell that feelings of loneliness.
I just can't see Balls father rubbing his boy up with cream and lusting over him or giving him money to drink after he's admitted that drinking screws him up.
Lust is lust, it's human. I lust over someone frequently. However, I only act on it when it's appropriate.
In the end, it doesn't matter one bit what people think. You're there, what we say hasn't really make you stop and think.
If this situation turns your crank, then it turns your crank...it certainly doesn't surprise this reader.
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Anonymous28 March 2010 at 11:55
ReplyDeleteMaybe Maiyuu tolerates it because he understands you better than anyone?
With love
Wilks xx
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Bkkdreamer28 March 2010 at 17:27
Ian: Maiyuu's safe, and he knows it. I don't pursue gay men. If I did, my relationship really would be in danger.
Anon: Yet another spineless Anon comment. The remark about lust was put there to wind up the morals brigade, as I am getting tired of having to justify my actions to a bunch of people who I have never met.
Those things belonged to an earlier phase in my relationship with Ball. They were so outrageous, I did all of that in public...who would have thought?
The other night, at someone else's ya dong stand, I was sitting with a crowd of people including Ball's mother (but no Ball) when the owner of the ya dong stand appeared behind my back and started massaging me.
I had met him only a moment before; he owns the place, though his girlfriend, who has a child, runs it.
I have known her for ages, but this was the first time I met her BF, who is aged 30, and was wearing football gear.
Anyway, he massaged me for a solid 10-15min. I didn't ask, but he wanted to do it.
'Just relax, just relax...I want all my customers to relax,' he said over and over.
When the massage was over, he sat next to me. He could barely keep his hands to himself, even in seating position. He grabbed my arms repeatedly, examined my arm hair, rubbed my legs.
Is it so terrible? His girlfriend and child were sitting not metres away, but he carried on regardless.
He likes foreign men; I can think of no other explanation for it. He indulged his like of foreign bodies (pursued lust) while I sat there and enjoyed the benefits of what was a free massage.
I doubt he massages women customers; he probably isn't interested, or maybe he knows his GF wouldn't permit it. But he allows himself to rub men.
But enough story-telling. I don't want to appear as if I am justifying my conduct, for that would be to encourage this sillyness perpetuated by a bunch of prudish types who would have us think they act only in an 'appropriate' fashion, with a 'appropriate' people, all the time; and that the world sees these things exactly as they do, God help the rest of us!
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Bkkdreamer28 March 2010 at 17:30
Wilks: I suspect he does know me better than the rest.
I don't always like what I see when I lift the lid on my own behaviour, but Maiyuu has seen it all before (as have I - I keep making the same mistakes), and still manages to forgive me.
One reader suggested I am having a middle-age crisis.
As men get older, they want it all. I work hard, and when I am walking home at night am usually thinking of 1. Enjoying a meal in the company of Maiyuu before we go to bed; and 2. Enjoying a beer in the company of Mr Ball, not just for the pleasure of the conversation, but because he's beautiful to look it, and he melts my heart.
I like having someone other than the BF to worry about. I enjoy hearing about the challenges Ball faces day to day, and how he is getting on with his life.
My BF is an independent type, and gives me only the tiniest say in his life, which is no fun.
Being with Ball's family gives me a sense of belonging, and contributing to something, which my life with the BF mostly lacks.
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Anonymous28 March 2010 at 23:36
l see, l hope you didnt take it as a critism, l was reffering more to the readers who were critising you. ;) Maiyuu knows you better than they do.
Love
Wilks xx
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Bkkdreamer29 March 2010 at 02:25
Wilks: No, I didn't take it as a criticism. I don't object to criticism anyway.
Most of what I read here from the critics is rubbish, with the odd insight standing out amid the muck.
I get used to it, and try not to let it worry me.
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samart29 March 2010 at 14:26
The problem seems to be solved, the page loads fine now.
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