Thursday, 10 June 2010

Getting worked up over nothing

My friend farang C has experienced first-hand how frustrating Ball's family can be.

I had told C that Nong Mew, one of the toddlers of the household, was having his first birthday the other night.

Farang C, who knows Ball but has never met the rest of the family, decided to buy a couple of dishes to help them celebrate. He bought takeaway food at a Thai restaurant in soi Ngam Duplee.

He took me there for a look. The place is run by gays.

We had a quick meal, and ordered his two takeaway dishes. I called Ball's mother and asked if I could escort C to her home.

‘Yes, come, come...’ she said.

He also wanted to meet toddler Mew, and catch up with Mr Ball, whom he hadn't seen for months.

I walked C through the slum to Ball's place. When we arrived, Mum was absent; she was nearby, playing HiLo.

Her youngest son, moody Beer, met us at the door. From where I stood, I could see Ball sitting at the computer in a darkened space off the main sitting room.

Ball called out, but didn't rise from his seat. He couldn't see C standing next to me, apparently, and nor could he hear him.

Farang C flew into a huff because he thought Beer's manner was unwelcoming (Mr B is never welcoming towards anyone).

Mum wasn't at home, the toddler was nowhere in sight, and Ball refused to get up to greet us. C turned on his heels and stormed away, taking the food with him.

‘I wasn’t brought up like that. When a visitor calls in, you greet him properly,’ complained farang C.

Ball's Mum was apologetic when she found out what happened.

I spoke to her at Mew's party a few hours later. She asked why I didn't call her when I arrived; she was planning to leave her HiLo den to meet us, she said.

I didn't think of that, I must admit. Ball said he didn't see farang C there. He called out, asking me to come in, but I didn't respond, as I was busy talking to moody B.

I am in the bad books with the family myself, though they are too polite to show it.

I left with Mr C. Moments after that episode, someone on a phone number I did not recognise started calling me furiously.

Later I learned it was Ball’s elder sister, Kae, who was standing at a cake stall at a local supermarket and wanted to know if I still intended to buy Nong Mew a birthday cake as planned.

Mum had called me earlier that day, complaining she had no money. I offered to buy the cake to help her out.

I gave boyfriend Maiyuu B400 to buy a cake in town, and called Mum to ask how to spell the child’s name in English. Maiyuu said he would ask the baker to write a birthday wish and the child’s name on top.

However, after the episode with farang C, I decided I couldn’t be bothered.

I refused to take the call, and turned off the phone. I also told boyfriend Maiyuu to forget about the cake.

When I turned up at Ball’s place about 9pm to join the party, Mum asked me where I had been. She must have noticed I was carrying no cake, but said nothing.

‘Were you with your farang friend? Ball told me you had turned up with someone, carrying food. I didn’t know you’d get here so soon,’ she said.

‘I called out, asking you to enter, but you didn’t hear,’ said Ball, who looked nervous.

‘Why didn’t you just walk in?’ asked his girlfriend Jay, who was also present when I arrived with farang C, though I didn't know it at the time.

It was so dark inside – they turn off the light to save power, and alleviate the heat – that I didn’t see her.

‘It was a misunderstanding. I took farang C back to his condo. By the time I returned to my own place, Maiyuu had gone out, so I missed the chance to organise the cake,’ I lied.

‘It’s a shame...Nong Mew missed out on the chance to blow out candles on his first birthday cake,’ said Mum, adding she regretted not being at home to welcome us.

‘The place was full of teens. They have no idea what is going on, as they wander around in a daze,’ said Mum.

Ball looked at her but said nothing. He must have heard it all before.

The child’s mother, Kae, said nothing to me, but no doubt was disappointed. Kae had not bought a cake herself, as she thought I would do it. I did not buy one, as I didn’t like the way farang C was treated.

Mum must have done well at HiLo, as the place was groaning with food.

I learned later that Ball’s family has just had the internet connected. The novelty has yet to wear off.

Now I can understand why Ball was reluctant to get up...he wanted to finish whatever he was doing on the internet, which would have taken only a few moments.

He is used to seeing me, as I am almost a member of the family. He knows I can wait.

I am sure that if he had seen farang C, he would have risen to greet us.

Welcome to family life. With so many lives intersecting in the one place, the potential for misunderstandings and miscommunication is high.

You learn to fit in, and if you don’t like it, look for your adventures elsewhere.

Farang C has been critical of my involvement with Ball and his family...like many readers of this blog, he thought I was motivated by lust, thought it was all about Mr Ball, thought I was trying to 'do good', blah blah.

He's had his eyes opened. It’s about family. Why else would I bother?

I have known Ball and his family for six months. I rarely deal with any of the young people one-on-one, including Mr Ball (except when we are chatting over a drink).

Like the others, he's just a youngster. I make arrangements with the mother, as one of the few adults there.

Since I quit acting as an older, carer figure to Mr Ball, our relationship has improved. Now, for the most part, we carry on as friends.

If Mum calls complaining she has no money, I no longer feel a rush of pity, especially as circumstances can change in a matter of hours, as they did on the day of the party. I keep my wallet closed.

Ball has a cold, which has spread to his chest. I thought of buying him medicine, but decided against. That’s his mother’s job, not mine. I don’t want to ‘interfere’.

3 comments:

  1. 17 comments:

    Joyce Lau9 June 2010 at 18:42
    I find this family increasingly annoying, except for the poor mom. Your farang friend is right -- it's basic manners to meet guests at home, especially if they were nice enough to bring you something.
    I don't know Thai culture, but I think it's a universal -- Western, Chinese, Asian. Anyone I know would have been put-off.
    That said, should you stop writing about this family if you are still genuinely involved with them? Don't do that just to please some of your more critical readers!
    I'm interested in seeing how other people live. I might not approve of everything they do, but the reality is that there must be many families like this in Thailand. And without your blog, I'd never see what their lives were like.
    Of course, write whatever you wish. I still enjoy your blog.

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    Bkkdreamer9 June 2010 at 18:50
    I felt like giving my readers a fright...especially the more idiotic ones. If I stop writing about Ball's family, they will have nothing to complain about.

    Joycey, they are kids...the lot of them. There must have been half a dozen souls in there, including one young guy who I didn't recognise. Is the world supposed to stop because a foreigner arrives at the door? I don't think so.

    Mum had not had a chance to talk to them. If she had, Ball might have taken on responsibility to act as host. Well, one would hope...

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    jok9 June 2010 at 19:51
    "He bought takeaway food at a Thai restaurant in soi Nam Duplee."

    hi bkk,
    sorry if this is considered off topic, but could you please give me the name and direction to this restaurant? i'll be in bangkok next week and would like to check out the place. and also, how's the situation at the jucntion of ngam dulpli and rama 4? saw a pic of the badly burnt buildings on both sides of that junction. thanks!

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    Anonymous10 June 2010 at 00:39
    You said, " I am almost part of the family."
    Almost is the key word as you will never be
    'family' to them. You want proof for sure
    just stop with the money.

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    Anonymous10 June 2010 at 01:51
    I may be one of your "more idiotic" readers but believe me, I am sure we compare well with your brain function. I did not get "a fright", so being an idiotic, I do not know if I am more or less idiotic.
    Fran

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    Bkkdreamer10 June 2010 at 06:01
    Anon: Yes, oh sage one.

    Fran: Leave it out. You're in danger of becoming dull.

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  2. Anonymous10 June 2010 at 08:56
    on a brighter note...if they didnt truly see farang c.....then why a formal greeting if you are part of the family...the jury might be deadlocked on this one......the other mannerisms of the family have gotten you frustrated....its no longer a leg rugging drinking sesh with the boys.....time to move on ...stay a little more distant with them but remain friends....stop caring about there disfunction cuz there isnt much you could do

    hilo mum has plenty of money if she is a loan shark.....prop emergency money too.....dont sgive away your money anymore

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    Bkkdreamer10 June 2010 at 09:02
    Unlike their neighbours in the slums, I wait at the door for an invitation to enter. That's why they greeted me when I arrived.

    I care little about 'dysfunction' in the family any more (partly because I am also more careful with my money).

    I am growing closer to them the more time I spend with them. They are good people, and am lucky they have let me into their lives.

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    Anonymous10 June 2010 at 12:52
    wow...u have accomplished piece of mind...good for you...if your conclusion is your fortunate for their friendship then you have excepted them the way they are..now enjoy your thai family (keep your cash)

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    Bkkdreamer10 June 2010 at 17:56
    Jok: From memory it's called tookabkhao, or somesuch...it's just down from the intersection of soi Ngam Duplee and Rama 4, which was set on fire by the red shirts.

    I had intended to take a friend there when he visits Bkk later this month, but as he is staying at a hotel just down the road I may not bother now.

    The eatery is so close to him, and the food is so good, that it is likely to become his gay local.

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    Anonymous10 June 2010 at 19:02
    Surprised at all the criticism of Ball's family, since they're the only normal people here. They're just living their lives as best they can, some weird farang comes by and buys them ugly pants and liquor, so of course they'll take it and continue with their lives as usual. Meanwhile you've deluded yourself into thinking you matter to them, maiyuu just sits home and bakes food for his absentee boyfriend who's lost his mind over some random slum family, and farang C leaves in a huff because the family didn't roll out the red carpet for some uninvited stranger bearing some food.

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    Bkkdreamer10 June 2010 at 19:07
    I can always rely on you people to rise to the bait. You are part of what keeps the comments section of this blog rolling, so thanks.

    You are so consistently and spectacularly wrong that I can but sit back and admire your stupidity. Cheers!

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  3. Hendrikbkk10 June 2010 at 19:29
    But the comment on the ugly pants is kind of funny!
    Can't you remember the time when you were young and with your birthday aun ts and uncles bought you clothes as a gift? The horror when you opened the presents and saw those god awful clothes!
    Don't buy clothes for young people, they are so particular with style. Look at at those low low waist skinny jeans.... Will you buy those in your right mind?

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    Anonymous11 June 2010 at 01:37
    "The [dreamer] doth protest too much, methinks."

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    Bkkdreamer11 June 2010 at 17:11
    Hendrik: My eye is probably untrained, but I can't discrern anything fashionable or stylish about his clothes even when he wears items of his choice. But then that is the problem of course, as I buy things he doesn't like.

    I was a little harsh above, and in the post.

    Ball does wear a few items I have bought him...a soft cotton pair of shorts, which are like pyjamas, and which he wears around home. They cling to his body and show everything (what could have possessed me to buy those, I wonder?)

    He also wears a few T-shirts I have bought him.
    His brothers wear them too, as this family shares everything. Their mother buys an enormous amount of cheap clothes...if I had known that in the beginning, I wouldn't have bothered.

    She shows off her purchases to me, as she knows the boys aren't interested, and I perform the function of stand-in daughter when her own daughter, Kae, is away at work.

    The youngest and eldest sons aren't interested, because real men don't do clothes.

    I suspect Ball might be interested, as he has more than a little girl inside him, which he keeps carefully buttoned down when sober.

    However, his mother says he naturally fails to notice many things going on around him, so she doesn't get much joy out of him either.

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    Anonymous13 June 2010 at 18:19
    "You are so consistently and spectacularly wrong that I can but sit back and admire your stupidity. Cheers!"

    Yes, finally - put those prancing pansies in their place.

    Agreeing to disagree, the Ball Clan are who they are, with or without you or any of us as a matter of fact.
    Trying to push them or anyone else into 'boxes' that suite us only undermines the entire struggle gay men and women have fought to become equals in society.
    Readers may not like the slum family, but they are just as human and just at real as any gay man or women.

    It wasn't too long ago in the Western world that gay people were looked down upon and in many places in the world we are still very unwelcome.
    Have we now assumed the role of those who beat us down? Insecure, intolerant, hateful?

    Please, we can do and should be doing better than that!

    JT

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    Bkkdreamer13 June 2010 at 18:39
    It is nothing unusual to find hateful people in the comments section of this blog. They have been around as long as this blog has, unfortunately.

    I wouldn't mind finding some other distraction, or some other person with whom I could spend my time. But for the time being, Ball and his family are it.

    They are good people, as I have said before. If they left the slum to live somewhere else, I doubt you'd recognise them as slum types.

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Comments are welcome, in English or Thai (I can't read anything else). Anonymous posting is discouraged, unless you'd like to give yourself a name at the bottom of your post, so we can tell who you are.