Bag lady

From Maiyuu's collection

My partner Maiyuu and I have been trying on bags. I need a new bag for work. Nothing formal, but big enough to hold all my stuff. Maiyuu has a huge collection, but doubts many of them would suit me.

'They wouldn't look right on you,' he said.

'Why not?'

'They wouldn't look good in the office. They look too gay.'

Maiyuu showed me how he wears a bag. Gays don't just carry bags, but prefer to wear them over their back, if they have a strap, or support them on the shoulder if they have handles.

If you have hung the thing over your right shoulder, then you stick your hand on your other hip, and lean into the bag. Keep that right leg straight, and do whatever you like with the left - raise it on your big toe like a ballet dancer, if you like. At the very least your left foot should sit at a jaunty 45 degree angle with the right one. Throw that right arm back so the front of your body is flat, and ready for action.

Lean the right side of the body into the bag as far as it will go. Then look over your right shoulder, as if you expect a bird to poop on the handle. Haughty and naughty - that's the way.

I think I could just about manage walking in the door without wearing the bag over my shoulder in such a racy fashion. I will just have to pinch myself before I get to the front desk.

The problem is not restraining my gay inner self, as much as it is finding a bag big enough to meet my high-maintenance needs. Let me see...just what do I keep in there?

Well, I keep a towel, in case I get hot and sweaty on the way to work. My office has a shower, but that's no use unless I have a towel to dry myself afterwards. I also keep body cream, so I smell terrific at all times; after-shave, to put on after the shower; and deodorant (of course).

A fold-up umbrella is also essential. I also take food to work each day, in a small plastic container which can be heated in the microwave (I leave my own microwave at home, and use the office one instead). I also carry a book, usually a dictionary, in case someone asks me the meaning of a word in English, and I can't remember.

In the end, Maiyuu and I settled for a backpack with a bright orange flip-over top. That should keep any extravagant gay poses to a minimum (the thing is too clumsy to permit much elegance), while also giving me enough space for holding all my stuff.

The bag drama reminded me of a post I found on the Pantip webboard a while ago. A woman met a man on an open-sided passenger van (รถกระป๊อ) who she thought looked too fussy to be a real man. She asked readers for their advice, based on what she noticed he was carrying, and the general way he conducted himself.

Reader opinion was split, so I asked the boyfriend. He thinks the guy sounds gay, and the woman should look elsewhere. This is how she described him (for a fleeting encounter, she was certainly observant):

Large towel, which he uses to wipe face;
Fold-up portable fan
Portable umbrella
Clean, tidy clothes
Walks a little like a girl, even if at other times looks like a real man;
Modern, Japanese hairstyle
Likes looking at himself in hand-held mirror
Brand-name clothes, bag, watch
'I Love the King' pin on backpack

Let me see...I don't have a fold-up fan, nor a face mirror. I lost interest in brand-name clothes in my 20s, and have cut off my hair, so wearing it in the Japanese style is not an option.

I obviously lag behind today's particular young things, who have identified their many and varied needs while commuting about town, and found ways to meet them.

Another essential item, if you are a metrosexual getting around Bangkok, is a packet of face blotters, for dabbing lightly on the skin when it gets too oily. They are a favourite with the gay set, but real men can use them, too.

I don't carry them, either. How disappointing - I sound like a real man after all.