Hearts and minds

I bought a bunch of red roses for the boyfriend while I was out. He and I have just emerged from one of our difficult patches, which usually arise from communications breakdowns.

The other night, I came home from work, and asked how his day had been.

I already knew how his day had been: he hadn't left the bed he was lying on, for the previous six hours since I left home. But I was just making conversation.

This annoyed him. 'You ask the same questions over and over. Go to bed,' he said, gesturing with his hand in the direction of the other room, where I sleep.

I was being sent to my room like a bad boy. That hasn't happened in many years. I have forgotten how to respond to that particular order.

'I have just come home from work...aren't I allowed to exchange a few words?' I asked.

Earlier in the week, a company which employed me on a casual basis to correct their written English had given me the sack, after I complained once too often.

It has been a long time since anyone had given me the sack, and it knocked my confidence.

'You know how it made me feel. Can't you try being nice?' I asked.

'You should look to yourself if you're wondering why you lost that job,' he sniffed.

'Now you're just rubbing it in,' I replied.

This argument went on, until I told him I would rather talk to myself when I came home at night. 'Find somewhere else to live,' I said.

The boyfriend spent the next hour furiously stuffing clothes into large black rubbish bags, then stopped for a cigarette break. Puff, puff. Fume, fume.

For that, you should read 'reality check' - for he did not know where else to go. Lately, his friends have stopped calling, though Maiyuu maintains he still knows many more people than I do. He just chooses not to mix with them.

'You don't have any friends. I do...I just don't want to see them at the moment,' he said.

This was supposed to hurt, but it didn't, because it was old news.

'I know I don't have any friends. You have pointed that out before.'

I decided to go to Mum's shop, to escape the drama. As it happens, Mum's son had called, wanting help with English homework. I spent two hours over there.

Mum asked me why I don't go any more.

'I like to sleep earlier. By the way, those people over the river gave me the sack,' I said, pointing with my head in the direction of the company which dismissed me.

'Why?' she said, breaking into a smile. Thais like to smile in the face of disaster.

'They said I was too much like hard work.'

When I returned home, I noticed the boyfriend had made no further progress in packing his clothes, and was in fact sleeping. Obviously the small matter of where he was going to live could wait another day.

He was to spend the next two days in bed. As I write, we are entering the third day. However, we now understand each other better.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that he might be ill. 'How are you feeling? Are you sick?' I asked.

'I am dizzy,' he said. 'I don't know what is wrong.'

When Maiyuu gets sick, he doesn't tell anyone. He just takes himself to bed until whatever is making him feel bad goes away.

The night before last, as I left for work, I told him I would rather return to my home country than carry on with a boyfriend who can't be bothered with life.

'Do what you like, if you are not prepared to consider other people's feelings,' he said. 'If you think you are that clever, then try it. But you're old. Who would want to employ you? Are you sure you have the energy to start again?

'In this life, it is hard to find people who we like, and who understand us,' he said.

That's when I knew that he still cared, and that if he was sleeping all day then he was probably not feeling his normal self. If he could behave like a normal boyfriend, he would. But while he felt unwell, he had no choice but to withdraw from the world, and sleep.

The next morning, I sent him a text message. I was in my room, and he was in the next.

However, sometimes I would rather text than talk, especially as I seem to like repeating myself.

'You are right. In this life, it is hard to find true friends,' I said. 'Please put your clothes back in the wardrobe...I am starting to trip over them.'

By the time I came back home from work last night, he had put half his clothes back. After days of inactivity, in which the bags just sat in the middle of the floor, we were finally making progress.

Last night he asked me to cuddle him on his bed. Today he wanted more affection, which I gave.

'I am going to out to get food. I'll bring you some back,' I said.

I came back with two dishes, a bunch of roses, and some oranges. I bought these in a busy soi behind the condo where we live. I walk down there every day now, because its laid-back atmosphere reminds me of a visit to the provinces, where the boyfriend and I used to go together to get away from Bangkok.

As I write this, I am waiting for a hair-cut, which Maiyuu will give me. We have spoken on and off all day today, so he knows that he has to get up to perform this small duty. Then he can go back to bed, and I will stop bothering him.

I will go to Mum's shop to teach English to her son. Over there I have another life, where I have found other people who I like, and who understand me. I am lucky to have them, but they are not the same as a boyfriend. Nor are the same as my family overseas, or my friends from work, if I chose to mix socially with them.

Everyone has his place, and they are just part of the whole. That may sound callous, but isn't really. We all strive to achieve a sense of balance.

Without any one of those parts - friends, colleagues, lovers, family - our lives are thrown into disarray. And I daresay that if Maiyuu is important to my happiness, then I might even be a desirable part of his.