I have no plan to leave the boyfriend. I was simply asking what would happen if I did. Admittedly, I have been contemplating it more often lately...barely a day does not go by, in fact, where I do not wish I could start again.
I am a restless soul. No sooner am I happy than I start getting bored.
Our new place in town is all I could want. It is close to work, and even close to the tacky tourist district should I ever want to confront hostile reader opinion, and venture down there.
It's the best place I have lived in since I left the West, when I owned - ahem, was paying off - my own home. Yet it is also isolated and lonely, as I have mentioned before.
A month ago, I went overseas, when many of the assumptions I had made about my life here - that I would live in Thailand forever, that I would stay with Maiyuu as long as our love lasts - came unstuck.
I can't resist the urge to search out challenges, to experience new things for their own sake and see how I adapt to their demands.
That's called being human. None of us wants to get stuck in a rut, have someone move our cheese 10 years from now, and find we are no longer capable of adjusting to change.
What I was made redundant 10 years from now, while still in Thailand? Would I still be employable in the West? I would have a much better chance of leading a comfortable life in retirement if I left now.
At this point, I am sure my my romantically minded readers would like me to declare: 'But who cares about living well in retirement? The most important thing in life is love, and you have that in Mr Maiyuu!'
Romance is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills, especially when my 'life partner', if that is what he is to be, brings so little to the table. He is out of work, and shows no desire to get another job.
Maiyuu left school at 15, when his parents died. I spent much longer at the education thing, including five years at university. Why should I support him?
In those posts, I drew a line between what I am prepared to tolerate here, and what I would be likely to do in the West. I can live with Maiyuu here, because he is Thai, I am in Thailand, and we love each other.
If I was to return home one day in the future, I would want to start again, but alone. If that's the case, then I should contemplate doing it sooner rather than later. The longer I leave it, the harder it will be.
None of this amounts to a declaration that I am sick of Maiyuu, and want to leave right now. He's a sweet kid, and I love him. What some readers probably find hard to understand is how I can love him here, but not over there.
I might save that answer for another day, if you do not mind. But I doubt Maiyuu would want to accompany me anyway. Why do foreigners assume that Thais always want the chance to move to the West? It's not so. I am sure my guy would prefer to stay here.
Another reason I wrote about this things is that the issue so seldom addressed on Thai blogs or webboards.
How many foreigners living with Thais bother to ask, 'What would happen if I leave' - to both the foreigner himself, and the Thai?
14 comments:
ReplyDeleteLino14 April 2009 at 22:12
"What I was made redundant 10 years from now, while still in Thailand? Would I still be employable in the West? I would have a much better chance of leading a comfortable life in retirement if I left now"
-Or within the next few years.
How many old hippies and barflys have you met that came decades ago, fell in love with the place, but had no plan and are now in dire straits.
"Why do foreigners assume that Thais always want the chance to move to the West?"
They don't. That is one of their more attractive traits. I'am going to a party next saturday evening, the crowd will be mixed with a lot of Filipinos, guaranteed that I will have pictures of guests daughters or other relatives shown to me in the hope that I will bring them to America. Happens every time.
Thais almost never do this.
Again don't underestimate your friend's ability to adapt to western culture...good drinking water-less pollution-better pay even for menial jobs. He can get used to it.
Frankly, I don't know how much of what I read here is conjecture and novella, but if this is reality, I would just ask that you not be cruel to the Thai friend. Give him a chance to stand with you or on his own.
Lino
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Anonymous14 April 2009 at 22:16
No reader can tell you what to do, and you should not feel like you have to justify yourself.
That said, if you are as unhappy as you sound, I still think you should talk to Maiyuu about all this. Maybe he would like to see the West. You don't know till you ask.
If what you really want is not to be with him anymore, you have to talk to him about that too. Be ready to accept what he has to say. Try not to lose your temper and use blame. Instead, try to hear what he has to say and accept his feelings as being as valid as yours are. Maybe things will get better and he will cheer up if he feels you are able to listen to him. Maybe you will both agree to a separation.
When people are really unhappy and DON'T talk about it, it ends up coming out in a huge overblown fight. If you talk about it reasonably and constructively before it gets to that point, maybe it will be less painful. Though it can be difficult at first if you are not used to it.
Best of luck to both of you. I concur with Lino, and hope you will not be cruel.
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Matahari15 April 2009 at 04:05
Is it cruel to leave your boyfriend if you feel there s no future?Ofcourse not,if you lived in the West you would have no problem leaving.People break up here and establish a new life.Nothing cruel about that.And i m getting tired of all the comments overhere that you should understand your bf,give him chance etc.It takes 2 to tango and a relationship is not a one way experience
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Bkkdreamer15 April 2009 at 08:06
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. May I say once again that I am not about to leave Maiyuu. Our relationship rises and falls like any other as the days go by.
That's normal. I asked the question because I have to think about my future in the long term, no matter how the relationship goes day by day.
I won't leave him now, because I love him. Worried about my retirement years, my parents have urged me to consider returning, but I have put them off.
I don't want to end up stuck here, like those ageing hippies which Lino mentioned.
On the other hand, I know I am lucky to have a boyfriend like Maiyuu, despite his faults.
Thai guys like him are hard to find.
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jimnbkk15 April 2009 at 09:27
You discuss the possibility of leaving Maiyuu in your blog, and Silom Farang discusses leaving Chalerm in his blog. What's coming over everybody? Is it the riots? I spend a lot of time in Thailand and love it and the boys, but I don't want to live there. The boys I am usually attracted to are happy where they are, and I'm happy to leave them there.
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Was Once15 April 2009 at 09:48
(I won't leave him now, because I love him.)
The smartest compassionate thing you could is love him, unconditionally, and put yourself on the back burner. Self-cherishing will lead you to an unhappy result, and you can't take money with you die. You will be left with your mind, going over all the silly decisions you made FOR YOU, not others. You came from the privilege of living in the west, not a third world existence combined with his family problems.
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Anonymous15 April 2009 at 12:45
This is getting very mixed up.
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Bkkdreamer15 April 2009 at 17:06
Jimnbangkok: I'm afraid it's too late for some of us, Jim. Silom Farang and I do live here, and we are already in relationships with Thais.
WasOnce: I should put my own needs on the backburner, because I love Maiyuu? That's what normally happens when a couple is in love.
However, prudent couples make sure they are both aiming for the same things in life before taking such steps...that's what marriage is all about.
I am sure Maiyuu hopes we can live together as long as possible, possibly into my retirement if we are both still kicking. But then he's not the one confronted with these choices, or having to make the sacrifices.
Anon: It is getting mixed up, you are right.
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Kevo3315 April 2009 at 19:50
Any chance of building your retirement fund while you are still in Thailand? Maybe have your parents make a few smart investments for you?
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Was Once15 April 2009 at 22:24
ReplyDeleteI will butt out, you have made it clear that you enjoy the ability to complain about something you will do nothing to change.
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Bkkdreamer16 April 2009 at 06:44
If you think I am complaining merely for the sake of it, then you are dim.
You're the one who reckons I should stay in the relationship if I love him, and forget everything else.
Yet I have a duty to myself to consider these things. It's quite likely that nothing will come of my worrying, but I defend my right to ask such questions.
Any foreigner in my position would be foolish not to ask.
I am living in a foreign country with 20 years to go before retirement. Where do I want to spend the rest of my years?
Unlike some Thais, I am not content merely to drift. You don't like it? Too bad.
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Anonymous16 April 2009 at 16:01
Nobody said you could not ask, and didn't you get alot of replies from concerned readers who wanted to help?
The problem is that you argue and disagree with all the advice you are given no matter what anyone says. You bitched at The Shrink Anon for telling you to leave, now you bitch at Was Once for telling you to stay. Make up your mind.
Isn't that the real problem? You can't decide, and want someone else to decide for you, or move your cheese, as you call it.
Personally I think that is chickening out. You give up your control over your own life and retain the ability to blame someone else if it goes wrong. Still, there are alot of people who do exactly this. Maiyuu might be waiting for you to decide for him too, for example.
You have mentioned that you take after your dad in trying to keep everyone happy. Have you mentioned what your mother was like? It might help to understand her influence.
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Bkkdreamer16 April 2009 at 17:09
ReplyDeleteI complain, but then won't do anything about it?
Someone mentioned Silom Farang's blog the other day. Are you saying he never airs similar doubts?
We all have our worries. To be human is to worry.
Living in a foreign country is all about dealing with doubt, making compromises, adapting to new situations...the same as anywhere else, in fact, though if you live in a second-world country such as Thailand the changes can be more dramatic.
I defend the right to pose the questions above. As a foreigner friend told me yesterday, almost all foreigners my age do ask these questions about life in retirement. Some stay, others go back.
The Shrink didn't tell me to leave. Re-read his opus.
Was Once reckons that if we are in love, I should stay. Fair enough. This is what he said:
'The smartest compassionate thing you could is love him, unconditionally, and put yourself on the back burner. Self-cherishing will lead you to an unhappy result...You will be left with your mind, going over all the silly decisions you made FOR YOU, not others. You came from the privilege of living in the west, not a third world existence combined with his family problems.'
Let's say Maiyuu started seeing someone else, or lost interest. In those circumstances I would be mad to tell myself that we should stay together simply because he comes from a poor background and doesn't have my advantages.
Yes, I am waiting for someone to move my cheese, because I *do* recognise that I love Maiyuu, and want to stay with him.
However, if someone moved my cheese I would have no choice but to start again, and I would probably leave him here.
Much better that I look at it that way, and prepare myself for the possibility of change, than convince myself blindly that we will always be together - then collapse in a heap when change does present itself, and we are forced to part after all.
It's called management of change. If you haven't read Spencer Johnson's book, 'Who Moved My Cheese?' then I suggest you give it a go.
I don't have to change anything. I am likely to stay with Mr Maiyuu, because I love him. That's all you really need to know (and all many readers want to hear, by the sounds of it).
However, I must also keep an open mind about the possibility that my life may still change one day in future (eg I am made redundant), so I can adapt myself to its demands when it happens.
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