Maiyuu's message of hope, divided loyalties

‘I hope to have a good birthday this year, as my last one was sad. And next year, I hope to find true love.’

That’s a message from boyfriend Maiyuu, which he sent me this morning.

It wasn’t an ordinary SMS, sent in ‘real time’, but one he wrote in advance, and programmed his phone to pass on to me.

It arrived the first time a few days ago, on his birthday last Wednesday.

This morning, for some reason, it turned up on my phone again. Is he trying to tell me something?

A gentle ring-tone alerted me to its arrival. I was in the land of half-wake, half-nod when my phone, which I had tucked in the folds of a blanket close to my bed, started humming.

It was not my usual ring-tone, but a special one, with earnest, soft tones.

Perhaps it is reserved for sad love messages from my boyfriend; maybe my phone just knows.

I opened it, and bleary-eyed, read its contents.

Those parting words linger in my mind: 'And next year, I hope to find true love.'

Last year, Maiyuu invited a couple of his women friends to dinner, which he cooked himself. One of the dishes failed to work out, and we teased him about it.

Maiyuu has never forgotten the moment, as for him it felt as if we were making fun of him.

I told him we were just playing around, but my assurances failed to work.

We did nothing special for his birthday which passed on Wednesday, though I hope he can start to forgive me.

At least it wasn’t as trying an experience for him as last year’s celebrations. It was Maiyu and me, sitting at home. We did not invite his women friends, or anyone else, to take part.
-

Maiyuu and I, as readers might have gathered from the short piece above, are back in each other’s good books.

As he heads out the door on his green push bike every morning to buy groceries, I fuss over him. As I stagger around the place looking for food (I am hungry every five minutes), he makes gentle jokes to cheer my spirits about my growing middle-aged tummy.

I hope it’s not just a sentimental post-Christmas thing, as I want these good times to last.

-

‘I hope you haven’t forgotten my birthday on the last day of the year,’ said Mum chirpily.

Mum’s birthday falls on New Year’s Eve.

She asks family and friends to her place to celebrate what is usually a big affair. Everyone in the slum hears about it, though not everyone is invited.

At Ball’s request, Mum called me at work.

Ball rarely calls me himself, as he believes it is more appropriate for his mother to make contact. She usually asks when I am coming around again, to help feed her son’s drinking habits.

Oops! Did I say that?

‘We haven’t seen you for a while,’ she said.

True, I have been busy with work and haven’t dropped in for two days.

If I spend even a day away from them, the emotional ties which bind us together start to unwind, perhaps because the experience is not quite 'real', or not what I want.

I doubt I will drop again today either.

Part of me wants to go, to reassure myself that I will still enjoy their company, am still close to Mr Ball, and that they fill an empty part of my life.

Another part of me wants to carry on investing time in Mr Maiyuu, in the hope we can make something more of our lives together.

Slum visits give me doubts about the life I lead with Maiyuu.

Too much time spent with Maiyuu gives me doubts about the slum.

It is an emotional juggling act I perform constantly, and at my age, one I can do without.