Carefree Thai boyfriends, passing the living-together test

Fellow blogger BB reckons Bangkok 'must be one of the worst places in the world to find a boyfriend'.

They are unreliable, childish, speak a different language, and are hopeless in bed, he says. But it's not just him alone - see the comments left in response to his main post here.

A follow-up is here.

I can't speak from experience, as I have had only one Thai boyfriend.

At times, he has been all of the above. It depends on when you ask me.

Readers of this blog have remarked more than once about how my moods swing drastically from one day to the next: one moment, the boyfriend is in my good books. The next, he's a loser, and I can't wait to go back overseas.

Fine, I say: You try living with one!

Occasionally I feel sorry for Maiyuu. I wonder if he has anyone who really understands him, other than this most unreliable of candidates - me. His own friends rarely ask him what he is doing with his life.

Likewise, he rarely asks them about any of the things which as farang we regard as important: Do you have a job? How's it going? How's the boyfriend, family? Are you happy?

They talk about other things...I can't remember quite what, as I do not mix with Maiyuu and his friends.

He has gone out for three of the last four nights. They must find something to talk about, even if it's none of the important stuff.

Miayuu's purchase of an I-Phone over my objections will have far-reaching repercussions for our relationship, because Maiyuu will have to work to meet the hire purchase payments every month.

Earlier, he proposed finding the money from my earnings, by cutting down on the amount he spends cooking and baking.

Later, after I objected, he agreed that I should not have to pay for the purchase. He will find the money himself, he says.

That means no more idle days spent at home watching TV, or, as the mood takes him, baking up delights he has seen on Martha Stewart's show.

He might well enjoy being a nester - making our condo cosy for when I come home at night - but that only works as long as we do not feel the financial pinch.

Since he has bought his blasted I-Phone, Maiyuu has in any case reverted to being a kid.

He rarely ventures into the kitchen any more, still less does anything with me outdoors, such as walking to the supermarket, or visiting the condo pool. He devotes every moment to exploring the inner recesses of his I-Phone - downloading this, poking away at that.

Fascinating - except Maiyuu is now an adult, aged 30 (or is it 31).

Hopefully, the novelty will fade before too long, because he's capable of so much better.

Judging by comments left in response to BB's blog posts, foreigners look for Thai boyfriends who are playful, childish and cute.

Oh, please. Is it because Thai guys look cute, that we assume they should act cute as well? Stand up all those foreigners who have lived with Thais, and still think their main duty in life is to be 'cute'.

I doubt many foreigners would tolerate a Thai partner who - abandoning himself to the childish behaviour which his foreigner boyfriend supposedly encourages - spends recklessly, won't work and is not prepared to pay his way.

If we have to live with these people every day, our 'specs' would soon change. We would demand our Thai mate starts thinking and acting like an adult, because a partnership demands nothing less.

No one person should have to do everything in a relationship. We have to help each other get through the day. If that sounds unromantic to you, that's because it is - life is a chore, and there's no getting around it.

Kitchen lonely, phone busy, stomach empty

They say you are what you eat. Since Maiyuu bought his I-Phone, he has hardly been near the kitchen. My diet has suffered as a result.

This morning, I made a salad sandwich with - erk - white bread.

My health is suffering, as Steve Jobs's finances improve. Computer geeks have turned a generation of young people into drones...spending their days bent over cellphones.

Maiyuu spends most of his time in his room in a cloud of cigarette smoke, where he can shut the door and play with his I-phone in peace.

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A moment ago, I saw Maiyuu take a welder to the inside of his computer. The CD drive is sticky, so he has taken apart the 'tower' (I'm told the word 'hard drive' is wrong) with a screwdriver and is now rooting around back there with a welder.

Why the frenetic activity? Maiyuu has been downloading CDs on to his I-Phone. He can't do it if the CD drive is stuck, so he needs to find a solution.

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'What do you want to do today?' I asked Maiyuu hesitantly. 'Would you like to go for a swim with me?'

I say hesitantly, because Maiyuu does not like me asking that question. To his mind, I am implying that he wastes his days doing nothing.

'No...I might start baking,' he said, looking glum.

Ah! Maybe he is about to start baking for the woman who runs the coffee shop in town, who has agreed to take his baking for sale in his shop.

No wonder he looks depressed - Maiyuu does not like working, or at any rate would rather just play with his cellphone all day.

Just light another cigarette, boy, and take it easy.

The farang will go out to work, even if your own effort is half-hearted. Someone has to make money to pay the bills, after all.

Hard work = money = bills get paid. Of course I love you, Maiyuu!

So, I’m being mean to poor little Maiyuu, am I?

A cautionary word to foreigners inclined to judge: even harmless looking Thais – those who don’t have use of the farang’s ATM card – can end up causing mischief.

I don't mind giving Maiyuu the benefit of the doubt. He probably deserves it, as he does most things for the sake of us both as a couple.

But the phone purchase still came as a shock, as I had advised against it previously, and I thought he knew better than to get into hire purchase debt.

Some readers say I swing drastically from one mood to the next: keen on the boyfriend one moment, talking about leaving him the next.

Maybe I did go over the top yesterday, venting about how his purchase of an I-Phone might bring our relationship to an early end.

I can see now that if had not bought the thing on HP, he may have missed the chance to own one, as we do not have that kind of cash lying around.

‘You are the only one who spends money in big chunks,’ Maiyuu reminded me today – B6000 for a pair of glasses recently, B10,000 (or whatever) every time I buy a new computer. He has a point.

Maiyuu and I had a small argument today over his I-Phone, after he caught me in an unguarded moment looking stressed.

He knew why I was worried: money. And he knows what set it off: his I-Phone purchase on tick, which we must now repay at a rate of B900 a month for the next two years.

It’s not the price, which is cheap. It’s that we could probably find some other use for that money over time. In a month, I might need to visit the dentist, or the computer might break down again. What then?

Maiyuu has offered a solution. We shall start a separate savings plan, by putting aside B1000 a month to meet such incidental expenses. He has also – sound the trumpets! – decided to get a job.

Last night he stayed at a friend’s place to attend a housewarming ceremony. While there, he spoke to the sister of one of his gay friends. She runs a coffee shop in town, and has agreed to take his bakery produce for sale in her shop.

Maiyuu hasn’t gone into fussy, farang-style details, such as how much baking he will sell, or how much he is likely to earn. That’s all for the future, or – I suspect – the never-never.

However, he did give me this other piece of welcome news:

‘You won’t have to pay for the phone. I shall pay for it out of money I earn myself.’

Excellent. Bring it on. It’s about time my boyfriend found himself a job. I don’t love him so much that I can tolerate such eccentric conduct with the finances. He spends with impunity because he doesn’t have to pay the bills.

Now that he has agreed to find that B900 a month himself, we’ll see how much he really wanted that phone – or whether he thought the boyfriend would simply pay for it without complaint.

The I-Phone purchase: You monstrous, beautiful thing

So Maiyuu has bought his I-Phone. I have to agree with my boyfriend - they are the most beautiful things.

As I write, he has his head down poking away at the buttons. I also agree with Anonymous (whoever he is) that I-Phones are fun, and that everyone needs a toy. What I don't like is that he has gone into hire purchase debt to buy it.

I looked up True's website, where details of the I-Phone offer are posted. It does not allow early repayment, so Maiyuu is stuck with that (admittedly small) debt for the next two years. Good luck!

I asked him how he intends to find the money each month to pay it. 'I will spend less money on food, especially baking for us at home.'

He will also ask a friend about the possibility of supplying baking to a shop she owns. 'I could make two or three bakery items for sale in her shop every day,' he says.

Maiyuu has a gay friend called Joe, who lives in our old condo in Thon Buri. Yesterday he went to see Joe, to proudly show him his new phone purchase.

Joe's boyfriend has a sister who runs a coffee shop in town. Maiyuu says he will talk to her about supplying her with baking.

I can't see it happening myelf, as Maiyuu lacks motivation. At this stage, it's just talk. However, for his own good, and mine, he should indeed find some work to do.

I would take it as a sign of good faith that he is still prepared to act responsibly, and is not wilfully abandoning the financial good sense I have drummed into his head over the last nine years.

One small bauble of advice I gave him many years ago was: 'Don't get into debt!'

We do not own credit cards. In fact, I won't allow it.

Thailand is a cash (and hire-purchase) -based economy. Consumers do not rack up purchases on credit cards as a matter of course, if for no other reason that the cards cannot be used as easily here as they are in the West.

When we met, Maiyuu was so ignorant about finances that he did not know how interest rates worked.

These days, he's better. 'True is not charging me interest rates for the I-Phone, as we are subscribers to their television service,' he says.

'I have thought about this purchase carefully for months.'

Encouraging?

'I know we can cut expenses, and find money not just to pay for the I-Phone but also save at least B1,000 extra every month, for those times when we need it, and for things you want, such as Lasik treatment on your eyes.'

 
How sweet. I will believe it when I see it. Maiyuu wants to start the new savings regime next month.

He asked True to set the repayment date on his phone for the first half of the month.

That's also when we pay the rent.

Maiyuu wants me to contact the landlord to ask if we can defer the day we pay rent until the second half of the month, rather than the first.

I get paid twice a month. 'Ask if you can defer rent day for four days. By then your pay for the second half of the month will have come out, and the bill will be easier to pay,' he says.

I haven't asked the owner for permission to defer rent day yet, but already Maiyuu has bought the phone.

Thais just can't wait. Everything has to be 'now'.

Maiyuu says a large queue of Thais was waiting to sign up for the hire purchase plan when he visited the True outlet yesterday.

No doubt these are many of the same Thais who visit the pawn-broker's shop every month when money runs out for basic groceries.

At least two of Maiyuu's friends from our old condo, including Joe, visit pawnshops. I know, because Maiyuu used to keep the pawn tickets on their behalf. Yet I bet if I asked to look at their cellphones, they would own smarter, more modern models than mine.

My phone is ancient, it is true. But then I don't care for technology, nor see the appeal in parading the latest gadgets before my friends. Who cares?

Maiyuu now has a new phone number to go with the I-Phone.

He will give me his old phone - which is also more modern than mine - now that he no longer has any need for it.

When Maiyuu walked in after visiting the True shop yesterday, I immediately asked whether he had bought the thing.

Earlier, as he left home, I sent him several SMS messages, urging him to think again.

I must have looked worried. 'Yes,I bought it...are you alright?' Maiyuu asked.

'Don't get stressed. I have thought this through carefully, and it won't cause any problems.'

I sat on Maiyuu's bed as he told me excitedly about his new purchase. He looked lovely, and for a brief moment I put aside my worries and decided that his worries are my own, just as any partner should.

Later, I reminded myself that such thinking is nonsense, because I can never hope to get through to this young man.

Today, it's an I-Phone. Next time he sees something else which he just must have, we'll go through this drama again.

Once, I would have found the prospect of more emotional turmoil depressing. Now, I realise, I don't care.

Is this the Buddhist state of nirvana - not caring about anything? No. It's just resignation - an unwillingness to carry on struggling pointlessly.

I started withdrawing myself emotionally from this place some months ago - back when we moved condos, in fact. I lost my regular daily contact with Thais.

Now, I spend my days at my condo, or a the condo pool. I rarely venture anywhere else, as I have seen it all before, and can't be bothered.

Maiyuu provides for my needs, and I love sharing my life with him. But if he wants to destroy our life with these hare-brained financial decisions, he can go ahead.

I believe I am ready to start a new life in the West, if ever I have to walk away. I want to see what westerners have been getting up to, during the nine years I have been away.

I belong over there, not here. If the day comes when I leave, I shall give Maiyu a chunk of the superannuation fund I am saving at work, then just go.

At the moment, I still love him, so am not contemplating leaving. But if it all comes unravelled financially, then I know what I must do.

I-Phone dilemma, telecoms giant impoverishes Thais

I was entering the condo as the boyfriend was going out to pay bills.

'I am also going to ask the telephone company about buying an I-Phone,' he said.

Maiyuu has seen advertisements on television for Apple I-Phone.

Our satellite TV provider, True Move, is offering phone deals to its television subscribers, via its telephone subsidiary, True Mobile.

Parent company True Corporation announced last November that it had reached a deal with Apple to import the 3G I-Phone to Thailand.

I don't like these vertically integrated telecoms companies...they always have some new deal, some new way for you to waste money. Be that as it may, Maiyuu, who is at home most of the day, saw one of these ads, and decided he would like an I-Phone.

I am not keen on the idea, as I can't see the point. Where once he had many friends, now no one calls, and he hardly calls them. So there goes the usefulness of the phone part of the appliance.

'Oh, I can surf the internet,' he says.

Again, I ask, what's the point, when he has his own computer in his room, with internet access.

Who wants a boyfriend with his head buried all day in a cellphone/mini- computer, or whatever it is? This assumes, of course, that the novelty will last, and that he won't get sick of the thing after the first few weeks.

Most importantly is that I would have to pay. From memory, the thing costs about B23,000 and True is offering it on time payment - payments of B900 a month or so for 24 months.

What a colossal waste! I am not sure yet how Maiyuu proposes to pay for the thing. 'I will spend less on grocery items and food,' he told me as he set out this morning.

True is impoverishing hard-working Thais who can't afford satellite TV, but whose red satellite dishes you can nonetheless find scattered on the roofs of many slum houses in Bangkok.

At my last place in Thon Buri, I overlooked a collection of slum houses - little better than tin shacks - built along a railway line. I could count at least 10 True satellite dishes from where my place stood.

My boyfriend is not a hard-working Thai, if you assume that looking after me at home is easy (he would dispute that).

Nonetheless, he is hardly bringing in a wage, so I would have to pay for this dreadful device myself, if Maiyuu goes ahead as threatened and buys the thing.

'You can't want to go overseas with me, then,' I said in an SMS this morning.

'You already have a computer in your room - what a waste of money. If my income should take a dive, who will take responsibility for paying it off? You will have to get a job,' I said.