Stranger fixation (part 1)

A student in his final year of a bachelor degree finds himself smitten by a young man. The two have barely talked, but he can barely get the boy out of his mind.

He noticed himself watching, then thinking about him, until the boy was taking up virtually his every waking moment.

It's the first time Sao had been attracted to men - he had always entertained thoughts of finding a girlfriend, marrying, and having a family. Now, Sao finds himself so taken by this young man that he cannot concentrate on his final exams. He feels wracked by guilt - 'Surely I cannot be gay? What will my parents think?' - but does not want his friends to know.

Sao has left his moving story in two parts at the Pantip webboard. He says that as he became more fixated, his own personality started to change.

Once a happy, bubbly, kid, he turned sullen, morose and quiet. His friends asked him what was wrong. He did not want to say - but eventually he knew he had to break his silence.

Sao confided in a woman friend. In a typically Thai roundabout way, she asked a male friend of the boy who was so tormenting Sao's heart, to find out more.

Her friend reported back that the boy was gay. However, unlike Sao, he was not the chatty type: he kept mainly to himself, rarely spoke to anyone, and when he did made little sense. Most of his friends were girls rather than boys.

Sao's girl friend advised Sao to go away for a while, so he could forget the boy. He tried, but it didn't work. Sao found he could stray away from university just a few days before he had to come back for another look at the guy.

He had become a watcher, a boy so taken with another young man that he was forgetting himself, his study, family, friends.

Eventually, he knew he had to talk to this boy, if only to make himself feel better.

The first time they tried talking, it went well enough, and Sao noticed his old happy self return. Sao and the boy talked casually, before the other boy - who is one year older, and studies in a different field - abruptly walked away.

Sao knew his time was running out...once the other boy had finished his exams, he would be off. On the day of the boy's final exam, Sao turned up to university to wait for him.

He should have been at home studying, as he was sitting an important exam of his own just the next day. But all he could think about was this boy. He waited until evening, but could not find him. However, as luck would have it, they were to meet again the next day.

'On the day of my exam, before it started, I saw him enter the lift, but I wasn't able to run after him in time. At that time I felt happy that he was still around. I wouldn't be bored any more. I really wanted to let off steam. I need to talk, to feel better.'

His exam went badly, just as he expected. Later, over a meal, he talked to his woman friend, who said she would try to find the boy. She lived up to her word: shortly after, the boy appeared, walking towards Sao.

The boy had come out shopping. Sao decided to walk right up and talk to him, as if they were meeting by coincidence.

'I wandered up and down, but he didn't see me. So I decided - to hell with it. I walked right up to him, and it was the best talk we've had yet. Whenever I think about it now, I smile. We talked normally, but there was one thing he said which stuck with me. I asked him what kind of work he would do when he graduated.

''Will you work in a public hospital or a private one?''

''I don't know. But what about you?''

''I will open a shop selling VCDs.''

'This caught my friend's attention, and he pumped me for information. He asked if my family was involved in this area of work, but I said I wanted to do it myself, because I liked movies.

'We kept talking, and I asked him if would carry on studying. He said he would not, as he wanted to work. When I asked him what he wanted to do, he replied with a clever look on his face:

''Open a VCD shop.''

'I just about fainted. Did he know? But I managed to keep my cool. I replied that in that case, we should stump up the capital together.'

Sao said he had to do most of the talking. If he didn't talk, his friend would probably just walk away, as he did last time. But in the end, the parting had to come.

After the two said their goodbyes, and Sao watched the boy return to his dormitory, Sao realised he had forgotten to tell the boy his name.

'I wanted to ask his number, but this is just as good. I will cherish him in my memory instead.
'But that's not really the problem. He's gone now, but I still can't get him out my mind. My friend says I should find someone knew, such as a woman. But I can't think of anyone. What should I do to forget him?

Being broken-hearted is one thing. But being stuck on someone who doesn't love you in return is worse. I am still waiting for him, and waiting ... what should I do?

'Do you think I am gay? My woman friend asked me what would happen if the boy was gay, and he had asked to go with me: what would I say?

'I said I would agree, for his sake. My woman friend then told me I had better stick a picture of my parents on the wall of my room, to remind me of what was right.

If I am gay, my parents would be terribly upset. Or should I just keep my friend away in my memory?'

now, see part 2