Maiyuu wants no more talk of the big C, at least from me. If his medical condition changes, he will let me know, he says. Otherwise, he wants to avoid talk about his lung cancer, as he does not want it running our lives.
The caring model which I have observed in the West - where the patient's loved ones busily read up on the disease, challenge health providers, and empower the sufferer - has been tossed out the window, as Maiyuu wants none of it.
I must admit, despite his prohibition on getting more involved, I have stolen a look at a few websites on lung cancer, which Google helpfully coughed up (pardon the pun). However, I have not shared the information with him, as he must make the decision himself whether to confront the disease. The alternative, it seems to me, is to let fate take its course, or give all the power to the doctors.
I have also found a well-designed site in Thai by the National Health Security Office, which tells me everything I wanted to know about the government's health insurance scheme - except whether lung cancer is covered. I imagine it is, as lung cancer is such a common disease.
Actually, if Maiyuu really wants to know whether he is covered he can join the website, log on and submit his details. Once again, he can empower himself if he chooses to - the mechanism is there, it is just up to him whether he uses it.
He owns a 30-baht health care card, he tells me, though it is not at home with us (so where is it?). We do not know how much treatment will cost, if anything, which is another grey area bothering me. I am worried that doctors will offer Maiyuu various treatment options, but that he will turn them down if they involve spending money, as he does not want me getting worried.
Ultimately I might have to overlook his request that we avoid the subject - but I shall try to ease him into it gradually. When next he brings up his cancer, I shall direct him to the Thai website. In the meantime I shall read about the disease anyway, just in case I can help Maiyuu, should he have second thoughts about his present approach.
I believe he would feel much more confident in dealing with the disease if he confronts it rather than avoids it, but at the moment I am just a bit player in the drama, rather than someone whom he wants to take an active part in his treatment and recovery.
Despite his efforts to ignore it, Maiyuu does feel more vulnerable since his diagnosis, which is only to be expected. He needs more cuddles and attention, and likes to have me around at night. That's a welcome change - a first for our relationship, in fact.
Suddenly, he is cooking during the day, bringing home work to do, watching television, and joining me in bed at night for cuddles. When we are together, I regret the many times, over the years, when I deliberately ignored him. We could go days without touch, and sometimes barely look at each other.
This was to punish him for his frequent absences, but all seems so silly now. How much time have we wasted being mean? Life seems so much more tenuous, and our time together much more valuable now that his health is compromised. When I am out at night, I want to get home quickly so I can see him.
I am spending more time in the company of people who really matter to me, as I cannot be bothered explaining to strangers, or people who do not really care, what is happening to Maiyuu.
Since his diagnosis I have realised something unflattering about myself. Before, I took our relationship for granted. I assumed we were together merely for the sake of convenience, or to stave off loneliness.
Confronted with his repeated absences, I assumed Maiyuu felt the same way. I may have been wrong. In any case, it's no basis on which to live with someone. We should have attempted to make things better long before now.
Now that Maiyuu's health has been threatened, I feel differently. Suddenly, our life has purpose.
I now know why we are together: so we can love and care for each other. I want to nurse my young man back to health. Hopefully, in return, he will learn to put to one side the ghastly up-at-all-hours gay lifestyle which I believe has contributed to his condition. His friends might learn from his example, too.
Inevitably we get sad moments, but once again I believe we could minimise these if we confronted the problem rather than pretending it is not there.
Last night, as were holding each other in bed, I heard Eric Clapton on the television. I unceremoniously dropped Maiyuu, and raced into the other room to take a look.
Maiyuu, who followed me into the TV room, knows I like Clapton. We watched the closing minutes of a TV programme previewing his forthcoming concert in Bangkok.
'I wish I had the money to send you to the concert,' said Maiyuu sadly, as if our lives were about to end in a teary vat of suffering even before Clapton took the stage.
'Don't worry - I have you instead,' I told him, and kissed his head.
The caring model which I have observed in the West - where the patient's loved ones busily read up on the disease, challenge health providers, and empower the sufferer - has been tossed out the window, as Maiyuu wants none of it.
I must admit, despite his prohibition on getting more involved, I have stolen a look at a few websites on lung cancer, which Google helpfully coughed up (pardon the pun). However, I have not shared the information with him, as he must make the decision himself whether to confront the disease. The alternative, it seems to me, is to let fate take its course, or give all the power to the doctors.
I have also found a well-designed site in Thai by the National Health Security Office, which tells me everything I wanted to know about the government's health insurance scheme - except whether lung cancer is covered. I imagine it is, as lung cancer is such a common disease.
Actually, if Maiyuu really wants to know whether he is covered he can join the website, log on and submit his details. Once again, he can empower himself if he chooses to - the mechanism is there, it is just up to him whether he uses it.
He owns a 30-baht health care card, he tells me, though it is not at home with us (so where is it?). We do not know how much treatment will cost, if anything, which is another grey area bothering me. I am worried that doctors will offer Maiyuu various treatment options, but that he will turn them down if they involve spending money, as he does not want me getting worried.
Ultimately I might have to overlook his request that we avoid the subject - but I shall try to ease him into it gradually. When next he brings up his cancer, I shall direct him to the Thai website. In the meantime I shall read about the disease anyway, just in case I can help Maiyuu, should he have second thoughts about his present approach.
I believe he would feel much more confident in dealing with the disease if he confronts it rather than avoids it, but at the moment I am just a bit player in the drama, rather than someone whom he wants to take an active part in his treatment and recovery.
Despite his efforts to ignore it, Maiyuu does feel more vulnerable since his diagnosis, which is only to be expected. He needs more cuddles and attention, and likes to have me around at night. That's a welcome change - a first for our relationship, in fact.
Suddenly, he is cooking during the day, bringing home work to do, watching television, and joining me in bed at night for cuddles. When we are together, I regret the many times, over the years, when I deliberately ignored him. We could go days without touch, and sometimes barely look at each other.
This was to punish him for his frequent absences, but all seems so silly now. How much time have we wasted being mean? Life seems so much more tenuous, and our time together much more valuable now that his health is compromised. When I am out at night, I want to get home quickly so I can see him.
I am spending more time in the company of people who really matter to me, as I cannot be bothered explaining to strangers, or people who do not really care, what is happening to Maiyuu.
Since his diagnosis I have realised something unflattering about myself. Before, I took our relationship for granted. I assumed we were together merely for the sake of convenience, or to stave off loneliness.
Confronted with his repeated absences, I assumed Maiyuu felt the same way. I may have been wrong. In any case, it's no basis on which to live with someone. We should have attempted to make things better long before now.
Now that Maiyuu's health has been threatened, I feel differently. Suddenly, our life has purpose.
I now know why we are together: so we can love and care for each other. I want to nurse my young man back to health. Hopefully, in return, he will learn to put to one side the ghastly up-at-all-hours gay lifestyle which I believe has contributed to his condition. His friends might learn from his example, too.
Inevitably we get sad moments, but once again I believe we could minimise these if we confronted the problem rather than pretending it is not there.
Last night, as were holding each other in bed, I heard Eric Clapton on the television. I unceremoniously dropped Maiyuu, and raced into the other room to take a look.
Maiyuu, who followed me into the TV room, knows I like Clapton. We watched the closing minutes of a TV programme previewing his forthcoming concert in Bangkok.
'I wish I had the money to send you to the concert,' said Maiyuu sadly, as if our lives were about to end in a teary vat of suffering even before Clapton took the stage.
'Don't worry - I have you instead,' I told him, and kissed his head.
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