'Hello!
The dentist greeted me by name. He was wearing a mask, but I could tell he was happy to see me.
Aged in his 40s, he likes to talk about rental properties he owns in Bangkok.
I overhear these conversations while he worked on my tooth. He did not chat to me, but to his dental assistants, as he pokes about in my mouth.
'Suction..!'
Pause.
'I have found a new tenant for the place in Silom...'
Pause.
'Gauze...'
My partner boyfriend is unimpressed that I want to start seeing the dentist again.
'You are just looking for new excuses to spend money,' he said.
'Well, maybe you would like to go back to work to supplement our income?'
This did not go down well.
'Aren't you happy to spend time with me at home?' he asked sadly, as he pulled out a cigarette.
When I saw the cigarette, I knew I had touched on a sore point. Smokers like to light up when stressed.
'My boss now pays just B150 baht a day. If I go back to work, I will spend more money there than I do when I am home,' he said.
Hours later, as I travelled home on a bumpy bus after work, he sent me a text message asking me for B500, so he could cook something for us to eat.
'If you don't want to eat delicious food, then don't worry,' he said.
Since quitting full-time work two months ago, Maiyuu has stepped up his interest in cooking.
Before I left for work, I took a step back from possible confrontation.
'No one is putting pressure on you. I worry about you getting lonely at home, and falling out of touch with friends,' I said. 'Work can be fun, you know.'
The boyfriend rolled over and went back to sleep. The farang seemed happy, so why worry?
Still, I have nagging doubts - things I would like to get off my chest.
Let me put them in plain farang speak.
'Wanting to stay at home all day is not normal. Is this what you want from the rest of your life?
'Do you ever feel guilty when you watch me go out to work every day?'
'If ever I left this place, you would have no home, no job, and no money. Doesn't that worry you?'
Needless to say, I didn't ask him any of those things.
This is Thailand. Western standards do not apply. Here, I compromise and settle for second best, as it may be all I can get.
I will give Maiyuu money to cook, which is all the encouragement he needs to stay at home – if he lets me visit the dentist without complaint.
I visit the dentist in two weeks. I would like it to go smoothly. In particular, I would like to have enough money to pay the bill.
I have warned Maiyuu that I will need to pay a dental bill that day. If, come that time, Maiyuu refuses to withdraw the money I need, then I shall have to re-assess my generosity.
It probably won't happen that way, but we foreigners who like to fret and think too much can't help but worry. I hope for the best, but expect the worst.
If he talks about his investments while treating you, change dentist!.
ReplyDeleteIf your bf is worried about your visits he's probably having perceptions that the dentist is not really suitable - get a female dentist. She's probably more focused on her work.
Maiyuu refuses to give you YOUR money? What is the loser still doing with access to it? Found out about the "insurance" yet? How's the "cancer?" House painted?
ReplyDelete500B for one meal is the equivalent of big hotel buffet pricing. When I eat in and buy good quality food for 2 or 3 people from the market or supermarket, it costs about 250-300B at most. Your boyfriend doesn't want to work because he is making a salary off you every day (with occasional thousand-dollar bonuses in the form of stealing from you).
Things are getting hard, but Thais can still live on 150B a day. You are right to question his laziness, and the existence of his "job"- as if his "boss" is waiting somewhere for him to return someday.
It's not helping him, and it's certainly not helping you. Throw him out for the good of both of you. You can find another cook, for pete's sake.
Anon 2: Your stridency is irritating, but I am pleased if these stories about my BF have managed to hold your interest this far.
ReplyDeleteYou can recall the saga about his cancer, the insurance, the painting...you're doing well. I might have to hire you as my diarist.
My BF has been my best friend in this place...it just took me years to discover it. Like my job in Bangkok...it took me years to discover how to make myself happy there, too.
I must be a slow learner. I don't know how many more years I can expect to enjoy with my BF, but in years to come, as I look back on this relationship, I will know he is one of the best friends I have ever made.
I love him, despite his faults, and can't imagine my life without him.
Ok, I'll try again without the stridency.
ReplyDeleteYour self-description of your relationship does not sound like one of self-respecting equals. Your boyfriend's stealing, unemployment and financial and general unreliability show he lacks self-respect (and respect for you). Your refusal to set boundaries is harming both of you and probably is founded in a profound lack of self-esteem. You do not have intimacy, trust, and mutual understanding and support- you have co-dependency.
I challenge you to set limits to protect your self and define limits to your boyfriend's parasitic behavior, which is slowly destroying both of you, with your consent.
Your refusal to set boundaries is harming both of you and probably
ReplyDelete> is founded in a profound lack of self-esteem. You do not have intimacy,
> trust, and mutual understanding and support- you have co-dependency.
You can't possibly know these things based on blog posts. You have to meet someone first before making such bold claims.
> I challenge you to set limits to protect your self and define limits to your
> boyfriend's parasitic behavior, which is slowly destroying both of you, with
> your consent.
>
I am sure he will find his water eventually. No amount of pushing and shoving on my part is likely to help. I have talked to him about these things many times over the years. It is now up to him.
I want to enable him as much as I can...that means, giving him responsibility and freedom to make choices. It does not mean keeping him on a leash. You cannot encourage someone to think like an adult if you treat him like a child.
While your advice looks sound, no one here knows how you conduct yourself in real life.
Living in a relationship with a Thai is hard work. Yet how many foreigners are prepared to acknowledge it?
Gay foreigners in particular seem inclined to occupy a fantasy world where other people's Thai boyfriends are concerned. All the oo-ing and ah-ing over a certain young man who raises fish in his boyfriend's condo comes to mind.
According to this mindset, if a Thai boyfriend goes off the rails, maybe it reflects badly on the foreigner, because he has lost control.
Yet the relationship with my Thai guy is not about control. No healthy relationship can survive in that manner. 'Defining boundaries' sounds great in theory. But I wonder how it would work for you in practice.
We don't get a first-hand look at your relationship - assuming you even have one. All we get is talk.
All relationships have boundaries, even if you haven't explicitly set them- and all adult relationships have expectations and conditions.
ReplyDeleteIf you are living with someone, they should make a contribution. They should be responsible for some of the rent, or the housework, or the children if applicable. Perhaps this isn't true for those who are so rich that no one really has to work, but that isn't applicable here.
Putting people on a leash is one thing, giving them free reign, free rent, and free money with no firm duties or consequences quite another. If you take away responsibility and accountability, no wonder some partners become a handful.
The mature thing to do would be to offer Maiyuu a deadline to get a job- any job, no matter how he emphasizes low pay or makes other excuses- from which a prorated percentage would be extracted to contribute to paying your rent.
Failing that, there would be the consequence of his being moved out.
The difficult thing in this case does not appear to be the decision itself, but the risk that in his being so spoiled and knowing your dependency on him, he will simply try to call your bluff. In that case, you will have to be willing to get rid of dead wood, and you are not. It is in your apparent refusal to believe you can do better and take the obvious steps despite what is obvious deterioration of the relationship and increasing exploitation of you that I detect your lack of self-esteem.
The hard work would be taking this doomed relationship back to a real level now that it has descended so far. If you insisted on good behavior at the beginning, you might not find the same type of partner, or as quickly, but when you did the difficulty you describe as Thai you would recognize as personal. It is not that living with Thais is without difficulty- but your difficulties are not those which come from dating most Thais. Sadly, the pattern is so common here that many foreigners here believe it is intercultural rather than interpersonal.
You ask me to comment on my relationships. I'm not in a committed one at the moment, and I don't particularly regard longevity as proof of anything (I've had long relationships with people before).
ReplyDeleteI am not sure why you think that paying someone to live for free in your apartment without regular work, responsibilities, or even a physical relationship with you qualifies as an achievement. Would this be regarded as a successful relationship if you were home outside of Thailand? Would you allow people to live in your house without contributing?
To give you some basis for comparison, though- a date I had recently- the Thai man showed up near my place from across town on his own power at a theater- we saw a movie. I paid for the movie because I invited him out and because he is still a student. He had a mild cold so we decided it would be better not to spend the night together again this time. Then he went back home on his own power, by bus.
So I'm not his boyfriend yet, but the pattern is set in a positive way. Yes, I pay a bit more because I have it and he doesn't- and I'll take any date out to a movie- but he puts some effort into our meeting, too and doesn't take me or us or my money for granted or insult my intelligence by asking for 'taxi money' or some nonsense. If we do become boyfriends that pattern should continue more or less.
A Thai friend of mine comments that if you want to make sure a Thai is really interested in you, he should offer to pay at least a part on the first date and you should let him. This should happen for at least 5 dates before you can really be sure.
I hope that my messages can give you a new perspective on the dependency and exploitation you are suffering.