Quantum of Solace: Mutli-lingual, pirated Bond

We watched a pirated version of the new James Bond film, Quantum of Solace, last night. Pirated films can usually be found in Bangkok within days of a film opening in cinemas.

Boyfriend Maiyuu went on a short trip to Silom, where he bought it from a street vendor.

We had planned to watch it together at the cinema last week, but missed the chance as I was busy.

An hour later, Maiyuu was back with the movie in hand. Someone had filmed Quantum on a hand-held video camera, I assume, though the camera was remarkably steady.

'The picture is 80% clear,' the vendor told him. So it was, though the sound echoed. Still, that's what you get for a B100 rip-off.

The DVD comes with a variety of soundtrack and subtitle options - how do they do that if they are merely filming it on the sly?

Half-way through the film, the Bond character starts talking German.

This was odd. Bond was speaking in a voice which sounds remarkably like Daniel Craig, who plays him. Okay, so he speaks German in a convincing accent. So what?

I recall from my days of reading James Bond that as a secret service agent, Bond has to speak many languages fluently. At first I paid no attention, though I did think the producers were going a bit far, trying to impress us with his German.

A Bond girl starts replying in German. The conversation was getting lengthy, but never mind, I thought - soon they will go back to English.

They were standing in a cave over part of Bolivia, having just jumped out of an old plane moments before it crashed.

James Bond, of course, can't leave planes in the conventional fashion. Nor can he get on to boats or even into cars normally, as you will see in the movie.

And he can always find a car just when he needs one - even in the middle of the desert. But no matter.

'Why are they talking German?' I asked Maiyuu, who lost interest in the Bond movie five minutes after it started.

The action scenes looked cluttered, and the story made no sense (a common complaint in critics' reviews). He decided to do some baking instead.

He came over for a look.

'In caves in that part of the world, they talk German,' he said authoritatively.

For a few minutes, I was convinced. Earlier in the movie, I also heard Bond speak Spanish or Portuguese, but then he was in Bolivia, I thought, so why not.

But these foreign language conversations seemed to go on a bit...long.

In another scene, Judy Dench, who plays M, enters an extended conversation in German with some spy service counterpart. She speaks with a raspy voice which sounds just like Judy Dench.

Okay, so they all speak German - so what? When can we get back to the English soundtrack?

It was some time before I realised that the soundtrack of the pirated film was defective. The language selection device had taken on a life of its own. One moment, we were listening to it in English...then Spanish...then German.

At the start of the film we thought we would have to listen to a dubbed Thai soundtrack, as the actors started talking in hammy Thai, though Maiyuu quickly found the switch to put it back into English.

Thai dubbing artists murder movie soundtracks. I would have refused to watch the thing if I could not listen to it in at least English.

Thai dubbers always sound the same, perhaps because there aren't many of them. In Germany, they sound more professional. The character chosen to put Bond's words into German really does sound like Daniel Craig; likewise, Judi Dench. I could barely tell them apart from the real thing.

I would be unfair, right, to offer a review of a film after watching a badly-made pirated version?

Yes, but this is a blog, so I will anyway. My biggest complaint? It is hard to follow. Within moments of the opening, I was lost.

Action scenes are convoluted and confusing, thanks to the rapid editing. The cinematographer spends about two seconds on each shot, then gets bored.

I feel sorry for the storyboard artist, if every one of these scenes had to be drawn on paper first.

Who's the bad guy? Where is he? How did that car end up flying off a cliff? It was on the road a moment ago.

Judy Dench's bleached hair has a strange matted look. Her best scene is when she is wiping nightcream on her face. We get to see plenty of realistic-looking skin sag. Up...and down. Round...and round. She has courage, that actress.

In this film, Bond gets two girls. They do not make much impact. I shall have to watch it again to find out why they are there. However, the bad guy, Mr Green, played by Mathieu Amalric, is realistically bad.

He dies a silly death, which we do not even get to see, but we can forgive him that, because he looks life-like (even espouses a modern cause - environmentalism), and gets some good lines.

Daniel Craig as Bond is craggy and brutal. 'He is not a man to be messed with,' as one reviewer says. He gets a few good lines, too, which is only fair, as he is the hero.

However, Bond in this instalment is also humourless. He lost his girl in the last movie, and wants revenge. By the end of Quantum, his lust for revenge is spent, which is good, because so is our patience.

On the plus side, Bond is touchingly loyal to his boss, M. Loyalty counts for something in this movie; I liked it.

At one point M suspends Bond from duty, but renegade Bond flouts her orders to return home and carries on with his destructive mission regardless.

'Bond, I need you back,' says M at the end, after the dust has settled.

Mr Green's body has been found in the desert, and Bond's CIA friend Felix Leiter has been promoted, she tells him, by way of tying up loose ends.

'I never left,' says Bond, who has discarded in the snow a silver chain which belonged to his lost love.

Relationship baggage discarded, Bond is ready for action as a fully-functioning secret service agent again.

While the rest of us see counsellors to get over emotional issues, Bond kills people. Still, we can't move on, as the saying goes, until we have closure! How modern..and offputting. Roll on the next instalment!