Eventually, the negative feelings fade, and we regain our enthusiasm. This time, my doubts are taking longer to dispel. Will I go back to my old pro-Thai self, or is it time to move on?
Without a doubt, now is not a good time to leave. Jobs in the West are hard to find, as the world economy is in bad shape. That, however, is really by-the-by.
A more intriguing question is how would the boyfriend react. 'Maiyuu, I want to go home. How would you feel if we parted?'
Until recently, I have told him that I am here forever. Now, I am not so sure.
A farang I know from work has just retired. He is not sure how he will survive beyond the next 10 years, as his superannuation savings are likely to run out.
He has a Thai wife, and has applied for residency. However, they are unlikely to help him make ends meet, if he really hasn't managed to save much since he arrived more than 12 years ago.
'Don't let this happen to you,' he warned me before he left.
If I decided to quit my job, and offered to give Maiyuu a large sum of money from my own superannuation savings at work, would it make any difference?
That would offer him financial relief, at least for a while. It would give him time to get a job, get back on his feet, so I could leave without feeling guilty, right?
Probably not, as he believes (correctly) that we are in love. It is the kind of love where, if we have done something to upset each other during the day, we find it hard to sleep. Well - ahem - I know I do.
Love is about understanding each other's needs, of course. Over the last six months, Maiyuu has been withdrawing from the world. He quit his job, then stopped calling his friends.
Is a man in this mental state ready to face the workforce? No.
If I did not still love him, then I would not care. But because I do love him, I will give him more time to get back his old self - then I will leave!
I am joking about walking out on the poor man. But I do want him to go back to being his old cheerful, actively engaged self. We all need friends, and work is not such a bad thing either.
'The expenses involved in working are too high. My wages would not cover them. It's better if I stay at home,' he says, while maintaining that he does not feel bored stuck indoors all day.
That's nonsense - just an excuse for not wanting to face people. Maiyuu has taken fright from the world, but I don't know why. What has happened to his self-esteem?
Still, let's assume that circumstances beyond my control forced me to contemplate leaving this place. Would he survive, and should I worry?
People adapt, because they must.
We would both find it hard to adjust to single life at first, but I am sure we would manage.
Lately, I have suggested that Maiyuu find a job, if only to put his own mind at rest.
What if I was to fall under a bus tomorrow? The result is the same. He owes it to himself to safeguard his future.
I have given him something to mull over. I told Maiyuu that I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves like a child. Let's see what he makes of that.
15 comments:
ReplyDeleteLino12 April 2009 at 19:49
The kindest act you can do for your friend is to ease his way toward self-sufficiency.
One thing that I have done for friends from Mexico and the Philippines was to help them start businesses or borrow money for vocational education. Two went from busboys-line cooks to professional chefs earning 65-72K/yr. Others started or took over coffee shops, a bagel store and so-on.
You friend like to cook and is good at housekeeping so:
How big is your building?
Does it a any sort of need for someone who is available to cook an occasional meal? What about parties? catering and planning are very lucrative here in America and Thais love to party.
If you two think about it there are probably a number of ways your friend could stay close to home and make a living.
Every large apt house has several "go-to" people for certain tasks, it's just a matter of letting people know that you can and will.
Lino
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Anonymous12 April 2009 at 21:04
.. when it comes to Asian boys in clothes.. the photos that accompany your posts are the best. I believe that as you approach retirement, you'll want to be around your family more and more.
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Was Once12 April 2009 at 21:08
LIno, Beat me to it, sir.
I, too, have a Thai partner, though much consideration, helped him through college, and now on to a masters..all while he worked full-time. There was nearly two years in between jobs where he could not find work, but I helped, combined with love, fortified his ego and gave him the time necessary to find work. I only gave him, what he already had in him, to be the best he can be, and he has proven it.
Everyone is different, but real love has wisdom involved and sometimes it involves painful decisions.
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Bkkdreamer12 April 2009 at 21:08
Anon:
Thank you. The praise should go to loyal reader Ian, who supplies the pics from his extensive private collection.
Re wanting to be near family...you are right. I am the oldest, and hardly saw them once I had left home at 19. A big chunk of my life is missing, and I want to get it back.
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ReplyDeleteAnonymous13 April 2009 at 01:10
You should talk about this with Maiyuu openly and make your plans together. Let him know what is coming.
It would be cruel to try to jolly him up then dump him. It seems cruel to say you don't want to live with a man who acts like a child, when what you really mean is, that you are planning to leave him, and hope he will be able to manage on his own when you do.
What happened just before he became withdrawn? Did you have a fight? What about? Can you talk about it with him now?
You said once that you asked him how it was to live with you and he said "hellish." What does that mean? Maybe you are both unhappy together, and both could benefit from some time apart.
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Bkkdreamer13 April 2009 at 01:14
Anon: I have no plan to jolly him up (as you put it), then dump him. I love him, so for better or worse shall stay with him.
However, I would like him to find a job. Lino is thinking along the right lines...something involving cooking or baking. I just haven't found anything he wants to do yet.
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Anonymous13 April 2009 at 01:30
If that is true, that's fine, but your blog entry was about leaving, not staying. What are your actual plans? Why not face them and talk to Maiyuu honestly about them.
There is no need to be defensive to me. I'm not judging you. It's your life. I'm just offering advice that is meant to be kindly to both of you.
The jolly comment was in response to your statement "I will give him more time to get back his old self - then I will leave!"
I think that it would be cruel to do that. If you want to go home, tell him. If you really love him and would never leave him, well, maybe you could take him with you. Gay marriage is now a reality in several countries and US states. Maybe he would like working in your home country better.
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Bkkdreamer13 April 2009 at 01:35
Please - don't turn into another Shrink. I liked the phrase 'jollied along', which is the only reason I mentioned it.
I don't want to take Maiyuu anywhere else. If we lived in another country, all the rules would change.
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Was Once13 April 2009 at 09:12
For Anon:
Gay Marriage in USA is not a federal right yet. So as far being able to marry a Thai like straights do, and bring them over is, for now, an imaginary goal. Don't think we are anyway near having equal rights.
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Lino13 April 2009 at 10:46
ReplyDelete"I don't want to take Maiyuu anywhere else. If we lived in another country, all the rules would change."
You may be underestimating your friend.
My circle of friends and companions is almost entirely from third world countries (Mexico, El Salvidor, Philippines etc)and the lower rung at-that. These people go from being barefoot on dirt floors with no indoor plumbing or even electricity in some cases, to being clean habited gentle people that I am proud to take anywhere.
I think it's fair to say that the "culture shock" of going from Bangkok to say, London or New York would be alot less than going from playing in the garbage dumps in Manila or Puebla to designing clothes in New York.
Getting then acclimated socially is somewhat like reactivating atrophied muscles...once they get in the groove alot of these third world guys can do anything. They are very adaptable.
BTW: The American media is -finally- giving real lead coverage to what is going on in BKK.
Needles my thoughts are with the people of my second city.
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neil13 April 2009 at 11:41
Did you consider my idea about helping him find education in some way? Sending him off for some schooling would improve his self esteem, better his chances for a job, expose him to new people/ social networking, and give him something to fall back on if you decide to leave the country. Even if it was vocational (like cooking, accounting or even manicuring) he would be better equipped to handle the world without you. A gift that will last all his life.
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Anonymous13 April 2009 at 13:24
Was Once, don't suggest that gay marriage is impossible, especially if what you might really mean is that it is just not right for you.
Regarding immigration and staying together: Where there is a will, there is a way. It has always been so, and things are better for gays now than in many years.
Aside from that, whatever the real problem or situation is, it sounds like it is not being addressed directly here.
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Kevo3313 April 2009 at 17:18
I agree with other readers that this matter should be discussed openly with Maiyuu- its only fair to him. Maybe after he realises that you are serious and not just making empty threats, he will put in an effort. This has worked with my bf and I before.
I also agree with the education idea. is this something he would be interested in?
mf bf is a line cook at a restaurant and i made it clear to him that i expected him to go back to school and get a better career if he wants a life-long relationship with me. He has taken it seriously and is working to get back in school(which he had blown off and failed out of)
After being in a relationship for a long time, sometimes a partner starts to slack off thinking its not a big deal. You need to make him understand that he HAS to keep working hard on your relationship.
Good luck my friend.
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Bkkdreamer13 April 2009 at 17:30
ReplyDeleteThank you for your responses.
I have offered Maiyuu the chance of improving his skills and education.
He enrolled in a second-chance education course which covered a bunch of general subjects, including English.
The textbooks, which were sent to our place, were appalling. The first week he went, hardly any students turned up. The second time he went, some other disaster occurred...I can't remember now, as it was a long time ago. He pulled out of the course.
He would be better off doing some king of industry training, though ideally he should know where it will lead if he joins such a course.
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Was Once13 April 2009 at 17:48
I have been working on Gay Marriage for nearly 20 years, so I don't think it is impossible...just that it will come in time, perhaps not for me, but the next generation. Meanwhile, you go on living and loving.
BKK, don't get stuck like a farang here with his asian b/f. My friend was close to retiring, made plans, sold real estate, reinvested and lost most to some corrupt financial group. So now, he has to go back to work, but his lover won't after losing his confidence in being in the workforce after 10 years not working.
Just work on Maiyuu, enabling him to succeed. Try not to be harsh, and give him ultimatums, instead treat him like a loving equal.
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