Another pie, dear?

Boyfriend Maiyuu spent the night at a friend's place last night. He sent me a text message while I was at work, saying he would be away. He asked whether anything was wrong, as I had been behaving strangely towards him.

Since our argument a few days ago over money, I have barely touched him. I show polite interest, and chat when the mood takes me...but it is not the same, and he knows it.

I have not forgiven him for his unpleasant response when I asked for a larger share of the extra money I am making at work.

Maiyuu argues that any extra money he gives to me, I will spend on myself or others, not on our needs as a couple.

He is right, of course, but then a share of the money he keeps for us in the main account also goes on his own strange needs...for example, the nights he spent alone at a cheap, local hotel over Christmas, on a so-called mental health break.

At home, Maiyuu is working as hard as ever ... yesterday he made small pastry and custard pies, and larger custard slices with grapes inside.

He makes them so well, he should really sell them.

I feel sorry for him, as he does not know whether I am really enjoying the fruits of his labour any more, as I seem moody and distant.

If I appreciate his cooking, he feels valued.

If I ignore him or seem non-committal, he wonders if he has done something to upset me. He feels insecure and worried about what will happen next.

If he had a job, he would have a life outside home, from which he could draw a sense of self-worth or personal security even if his life with me was going through a bad patch.

But no. He wakes up every day not knowing what mood I will be in - but busies himself in the kitchen regardless, for what else can he do?

If he sits idly watching television, I might have a go at him...if he keeps busy, then at least he is out of harm's way.

What a life. Yet it's one has has chosen for himself.

This is not an invitation to readers to pile in with advice urging me to force him out to work. It's Maiyuu's life, and he must do as he sees fit.

I give him as much freedom as I think is reasonable, including control over most of the finances, because he wants to look after our needs as a couple, and make me happy.

There's nothing wrong with that. I just wish it didn't leave him (and me, in a financial sense) so exposed.

He rocked my boat

Three comments from readers, in response to the saga over the boyfriend and money. They were left in response to yesterday's update, in which I explain why Maiyuu gets to keep control over the finances. Some readers are evidently unhappy with the ending. Here are excerpts from three comments:

❤Whatever floats your boat pilgrim ! .. but how about a ban on any future pity evoking, sympathy inspiring narrative attempts to solicit your readers tender mercies?

❤"Looking after the finances in our household gives Maiyuu a sense of independence...dignity, if you like."-- this is kind of patronizing, don't you feel? But, yeah, whatever rocks your (and his) boat, mister.

❤Just like a beaten housewife, you need the negative treatment to reinforce your own idea of yourself as worthless, useless, undeserving of happiness.

I deleted the first two messages when they appeared, but kept the last, because the reader went to some effort to respond (it's longish). I have revived parts of them here so I can respond to everyone at once.

I don't know who left the first comment. The second came from a young overseas-based Thai blogger called Aurix, who has faulted me for 'patronising' behaviour in relation to Thais before. I can't be bothered covering the same territory again, so - sorry about that, kid!

It might come as surprising to some, but I do not write to evoke sympathy. I do not know how these sagas will end, as I write them from one day to another, like a diary.

So, if in the eyes of some readers, blog entries appear to flip-flop between inspiring sympathy for myself and being critical of Maiyuu, and back again, that's why.

On one day, he will be on top (so to speak); the next, I might assert myself again. When we are happy, we are in harmony again, so the flip-flopping settles down.

For some readers who have followed the blog a while longer, a collective portrait of Maiyuu emerges, despite the daily fluctuations. Here's another excerpt from the third comment above:

'He doesn't contribute financially, and he lies, steals, and drains your money (furthermore there are some recent questions about his health and state of mind).'

Perhaps Maiyuu is a work in progress - I am still teaching him how to behave [patronising enough, Mr Aurix?]

If fixing breaches in relationships was a simple matter of uttering a few pleasant-sounding words - or one partner asserting his dominance and power over the other - then the world would be a simpler place.

Unfortunately, it's not. Relationships take work. Not all readers may like the way I run mine with Maiyuu. In that case, just be thankful the relationship belongs to me, and that you don't have to share!

Some readers may also dislike Maiyuu. That does not worry me, as I never set out to portray him as a cute, compliant Thai boyfriend who does whatever I ask.

As readers, we like to identify with writers whose stuff we read. One other reader the other day was upset that I let Maiyuu get away with so much. 'I am sorry for caring!' he said.

Maybe I have lost his support. I hope I do not lose too many as a result of the Maiyuu sagas, as the blog is about much more than just him or me.

But at the end of the day, it is still my blog. Just as I can't stop idiots visiting, nor can I prevent them leaving again - though this blog's community of readers is probably no worse off for their absence.

New watering hole

I have found a new place to drink. It is close to Mum's shop, but better. Unfortunately, it also lies along the route between Mum's shop and her apartment.

She visits her apartment regularly when she is on duty at the shop. Luckily, last night I did not see her.

I am sure she would not appreciate seeing me at a rival shop. Times are tough, and I should know where my loyalties lie.

The new place, not 50m from Mum's own, has air conditioning, a counter out front, soft music, a small garden and waterfall, toilet, cheap menu...

It looks as smart as any Thai-owned eatery you would find in town, and looks sadly out of place in an area as rundown as Pin Khlao.

The eatery is owned by Wut, an enterprising businessman in his 30s whose girlfriend works nearby.

I took a seat. Within five minutes, he had introduced himself. We chatted for the next half an hour.

His place has seating inside, and a benchtop bar out the front overlooking a small rock garden and waterfall. As I sat outside admiring his handiwork, a friend from the past called out my name.

'Hello, Mali!' he said.

Kor is a young landowner in the area. We know each other from months ago when we used to drink at Mum's shop.

Back then, Kor was a regular. These days, he appears to have deserted the place, along with almost everyone else in the neighbourhood.

Kor joined me at my benchtop table, and ordered a whisky.

'You know, I own this place. Wut rents it from me,' said Kor. 'He's doing well.'

Occasionally, Wut would join us when he was not busy serving customers inside.

At least a dozen young people, mainly students, came for a meal in the two hours I was sitting there.

'Why is Mum's place so dead?' I asked Kor.

Wut, a newcomer to the area, listened in to Kor's tale.

'It's in a prime spot - right at the head of this street,' said Kor.

'The street is deep...there are condos down here, the local police station, even a naval property.

'Most people who enter this street have to pass Mum's shop first.

'As recently as 18 months ago, it was still a popular meeting place for locals...some nights the place was just packed.

'Police from the local station came, local shopkeepers, tenants from the condos, students...but these days they have all found new places to drink.

'Why did they lose their customers? Mum and her husband became complacent,' said Kor.

'If you turn up, you serve yourself. Often, the counter is cluttered with dirty plates, empty bottles and glasses, so you have to make a space for yourself.

'It is also overrun by dogs.'

Mum's shop now caters to casual foot traffic - people walking past the shop on their way home, who realise they have run out of cigarettes or water. She rarely sells much else.

As a place to meet local people and drink, Mum's shop has had its day, and everyone knows it. I don't know why she and her husband bother to stay.

'It is good for the memories,' I told Kor.

'There's not much else left,' he said, laughing.

Wut listened diligently, but had business problems of his own which he wanted to discuss.

'My two cooks make the same dishes on the menu every night, but they rarely taste the same. Yet for the sake of my customers, I want them to taste the same no matter who makes them.'

Does he sound the complacent type? No fear. I hope his business thrives and prospers, as a reward for his worrying, and hard work.

I welcome the arrival of Wut's eatery. It's a civilised way to drink and dine, and is well overdue on the Thon Buri side of the river, where tourists seldom venture.

Now, how to square it with Mum?

-
'Oh, here we go - I thought the money issue was decided,' said Maiyuu.

I had just told him of my latest proposal - that he give me an extra B2,000 a month, down from my initial demand of B3,000, and just a small share of the B12,000 in new earnings which I am making at work every month.

'I can still help with household expenses if we end up short,' I said.

Maiyu grumbled that, given my indecisiveness, I might go back to asking for the full B3000 before long.

This morning, before I woke, Maiyuu had visited the local supermarket to buy supplies. He returned with two bags full of vegetables, including mushrooms, corn, and asparagus, which he is now turning into a meal.

Readers chastise me for giving Maiyuu control over my ATM card.

Ideally, I would like Maiyuu to go back to work, and might suggest he looks for a casual job as a salad hand or pastry chef in a small eatery such as the one I found last night.

But for as long as looks after the household well, he can keep the card. I could assert myself and demand the right to do this and that, but where does that leave him - or us?

Power play

The boyfriend complained of stomach pains. My bickering over the finances was causing him stress. Whimper....whine...moan. He asked me to buy some Coke, to help ease his stomach cramps, which I did.

'If this argument over the finances is causing you so much stress, then I will forget about the demand for a share of the extra money from work...I will even give you a share of the cheque I get from Google every month,' I said. 'Things will go back to the way they were.'

He pulled up the blanket and said nothing.

In truth, we did not get to 'arguing' about it...we just exchanged a few stiff text messages.

However, I knew if the matter was not defused soon, a heated argument was not far away, as Maiyuu refused to haggle with me, or even consider my demands.
I asked him how he felt.

'Up to you,' he said.

That's Thai speak for: 'I feel great, thanks very much, that you have dropped all your demands and given me exactly what I wanted all along.'

I decided I needed time away from home, so spent the day yesterday in the company of a farang friend. He rents a comfortable home close to a temple about 10mins from my place.

After drinking until sundown there, we carried on to Pin Khlao, though not to Mum's shop, which is dead - but a small eatery close to the Chao Phraya river, which was lively, and a more enjoyable way to spend the evening.

Last night when I returned home, I found Maiyuu had bought no food for us to eat. It is one of his jobs, but he hadn't done it. He jeered me when I walked in the door, to make me feel victimised and small, as he knows he can do it.

'No, there's nothing to eat...the shops in the market are closed. No, I won't go down to look for anything...you will have to go outside again yourself.'

I said nothing, and took a shower. When I came out again, I heard him ordering pizza on the phone.

Maiyuu knows he can bully me up to a point, but that ultimately he has to help, or I really will blow up.

Gays like inflicting emotional (and other) pain on each other. Maiyuu enjoys flexing his muscles, to see how much he can upset me. Last night, for a change, I refused to respond to his provocations. I played meek, acted the victim, to see how he would react.

Ten minutes later, I was lying next to him with my eyes closed, in front of the television. He prodded me in the shoulder.

'Why don't you go to bed? Don't fall asleep here.'

Meekly, I did as I was told.

I hope he noticed that I showed no interest: No customary 'good-night', or anything else. As the bullied party, or victim, as some readers have put it, I had become timid and submissive.

What he needs, of course, is for me to yank down his pants next time he walks past. I should give him a firm spanking on the backside, as he seems so intent on acting like a child.

Children bully. Adults negotiate and try to reach a compromise.

I have a surprise for him this morning. Today I shall go from being meek and submissive, back to being the strong half again.

I shall demand he gives me B2000 a month from the extra B12,000 I am making every month.

'I have changed my mind,' I shall say.

Maiyuu argues that he spends his money wisely, on meeting our needs as a couple, but that I tend to spend my money only on myself, or other people. He has a point.

However, I am not asking for much. I doubt he needs an extra B12,000 a month to meet our needs as a couple.

In any event, life is too short to spend worrying about it.

Plenty of Thais survive on much less. Maiyuu appears to have stopped working, so is bringing in no income, and making no contribution to our relationship, other than helping keep the household running.

Being gay does not give him the right to wield power or influence over anyone, just because his partner might also be gay and inclined to want to settle arguments rationally rather than use brute force.

But if it's force he wants - as some kind of weird confirmation that I really do care - then I can do that, too.

Let's have another go at it

Do I sound sad and desperate?

From Mr Anonymous:

'I suggest that your previous message in which you appear to be considering joining a slum family in compensation for the loss of the very slim company your ''boyfriend'' provides does not only make you appear sad and desperate, it means you really are sad and desperate, and furthermore you are stuck in this defensive cycle in which you argue yourself (and anyone else who suggests it) out of positive change. You need a good professional counsellor more than anything else.'

Mr Anonymous, with whom I have battled on this blog over the boyfriend before, says if I am unhappy with Maiyuu, I should leave.

Referring to a blog post, he noted that the other day I was contemplating joining a slum family, I seemed so desperately in need of love and affection, or even just a place to belong.

He also reckons that I like being a victim - I will criticise the boyfriend, then when readers offer advice confirming what a lousy boyfriend he is, I will do a curious about-face and start defending him.

Or, if I do not go as far as standing up for his actions, I will at least defend our relationship status quo rather than contemplate ditching him for someone new.

I know it must look like that. But there are two sides to every story. Try as I might to be fair to both sides, I can't give you a perfectly balanced picture.

To put it another way, if I invited Maiyuu to give you his thoughts about the joys of living with me, his odd farang boyfriend, I would probably come across very differently.

Occasionally Maiyuu tells me himself what it is like living with me. Hellish! It is at these moments that I realise I am not such an accommodating customer, nor even that enjoyable to live with at times, try as I might to keep the peace at home.

Men who strive to keep other people in the household happy are seldom rewarded for their efforts. My father has spent a lifetime doing it.

I recall many times as a child when I longed for him to put his foot down and take sides with one member of the family or another. But he was more interested in restoring equilibrium than forcing problems into the open.

For that, he could rely on my mother, the feisty one in the household.

She fretted that in the eyes of her children, she would end up looking a witch. My father was the saintly one, simply because he rarely disciplined his kids.

That's the first time readers will have heard me talk about my family life...it might also be the last, as blogs (in my view) should not serve as mere platforms for airing emotional laundry.

For that, as Mr Anonymous rightly points out, I should consult a counsellor.

-
The boyfriend, who has spent most of the last 12 hours of sleeping time hiding under a blanket, has surfaced, and made himself something to eat. He appears in better spirits, perhaps because he has noticed that my own moods are now back to normal.

Thais know us much better than we imagine. I reckon some can read minds, especially those who love us.

I had contemplated spending the daylight hours with a foreign friend, but now think I might just chance spending it at home, since we are getting along.

From heart sister Lyn:

'Isn't this your relationship routine, you two tend to have big blowouts during the winter months. I'm surprise you didn't argue during Christmas. Since I have been reading your blog, you tend to have blowouts with Maiyuu during these two months. Didn't you guys argue over money last Christmas and the previous Christmas? I swear I read your blog way too much. It's like your cycle. You complain and he bitches, then you make up.'

So true! I was thinking the same just the other day...we were overdue for a fight. As I said yesterday, this time of year is strange and moody, as people's routines are upset. For the last two years at Christmas and New Year, we have come unstuck.

Something falls off the motor which normally keeps us running together smoothly. We have to find it, then put it back in place so the thing starts working again.

-
I need more women friends...they understand men much better than other men do. Sorry, sisters, but it just had to be said.

At 5pm today I am supposed to teach English to a couple of students who live around here. Actually, being teens, all they demand of me is that I show my face...they like regularity, reliability, and patterns.

If I skip a day, they feel as if they are missing something - as if Mum and Dad have just had a fight. Their emotional centre of gravity starts to wobble.

It doesn't matter what I say, as long as I show up, like Dad presenting himself at the table for the evening meal.

However, this evening I might have to visit a foreigner friend instead. He has a boisterous dog. I can play with him without having to worry about anyone else. I am overdue for time out!

Postscript: The young man wearing the grey singlet reminds me of the boyfriend. Small, and slight - though we should never mistake that for 'soft', or 'weak'. And as for the one in the household who acts as appeaser: is he 'soft' and 'weak' too?

My father would argue not. Next time I see him, I shall have to ask.

PS2: I am listening to Rose Sirintip's new album, Show (โรส ศิรินทิพย์). Here's a tribute to the BF: Khon Derm ('the same guy'). I'm not about to change, and I hope you don't, either.

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