Let's have another go at it

Do I sound sad and desperate?

From Mr Anonymous:

'I suggest that your previous message in which you appear to be considering joining a slum family in compensation for the loss of the very slim company your ''boyfriend'' provides does not only make you appear sad and desperate, it means you really are sad and desperate, and furthermore you are stuck in this defensive cycle in which you argue yourself (and anyone else who suggests it) out of positive change. You need a good professional counsellor more than anything else.'

Mr Anonymous, with whom I have battled on this blog over the boyfriend before, says if I am unhappy with Maiyuu, I should leave.

Referring to a blog post, he noted that the other day I was contemplating joining a slum family, I seemed so desperately in need of love and affection, or even just a place to belong.

He also reckons that I like being a victim - I will criticise the boyfriend, then when readers offer advice confirming what a lousy boyfriend he is, I will do a curious about-face and start defending him.

Or, if I do not go as far as standing up for his actions, I will at least defend our relationship status quo rather than contemplate ditching him for someone new.

I know it must look like that. But there are two sides to every story. Try as I might to be fair to both sides, I can't give you a perfectly balanced picture.

To put it another way, if I invited Maiyuu to give you his thoughts about the joys of living with me, his odd farang boyfriend, I would probably come across very differently.

Occasionally Maiyuu tells me himself what it is like living with me. Hellish! It is at these moments that I realise I am not such an accommodating customer, nor even that enjoyable to live with at times, try as I might to keep the peace at home.

Men who strive to keep other people in the household happy are seldom rewarded for their efforts. My father has spent a lifetime doing it.

I recall many times as a child when I longed for him to put his foot down and take sides with one member of the family or another. But he was more interested in restoring equilibrium than forcing problems into the open.

For that, he could rely on my mother, the feisty one in the household.

She fretted that in the eyes of her children, she would end up looking a witch. My father was the saintly one, simply because he rarely disciplined his kids.

That's the first time readers will have heard me talk about my family life...it might also be the last, as blogs (in my view) should not serve as mere platforms for airing emotional laundry.

For that, as Mr Anonymous rightly points out, I should consult a counsellor.

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The boyfriend, who has spent most of the last 12 hours of sleeping time hiding under a blanket, has surfaced, and made himself something to eat. He appears in better spirits, perhaps because he has noticed that my own moods are now back to normal.

Thais know us much better than we imagine. I reckon some can read minds, especially those who love us.

I had contemplated spending the daylight hours with a foreign friend, but now think I might just chance spending it at home, since we are getting along.

From heart sister Lyn:

'Isn't this your relationship routine, you two tend to have big blowouts during the winter months. I'm surprise you didn't argue during Christmas. Since I have been reading your blog, you tend to have blowouts with Maiyuu during these two months. Didn't you guys argue over money last Christmas and the previous Christmas? I swear I read your blog way too much. It's like your cycle. You complain and he bitches, then you make up.'

So true! I was thinking the same just the other day...we were overdue for a fight. As I said yesterday, this time of year is strange and moody, as people's routines are upset. For the last two years at Christmas and New Year, we have come unstuck.

Something falls off the motor which normally keeps us running together smoothly. We have to find it, then put it back in place so the thing starts working again.

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I need more women friends...they understand men much better than other men do. Sorry, sisters, but it just had to be said.

At 5pm today I am supposed to teach English to a couple of students who live around here. Actually, being teens, all they demand of me is that I show my face...they like regularity, reliability, and patterns.

If I skip a day, they feel as if they are missing something - as if Mum and Dad have just had a fight. Their emotional centre of gravity starts to wobble.

It doesn't matter what I say, as long as I show up, like Dad presenting himself at the table for the evening meal.

However, this evening I might have to visit a foreigner friend instead. He has a boisterous dog. I can play with him without having to worry about anyone else. I am overdue for time out!

Postscript: The young man wearing the grey singlet reminds me of the boyfriend. Small, and slight - though we should never mistake that for 'soft', or 'weak'. And as for the one in the household who acts as appeaser: is he 'soft' and 'weak' too?

My father would argue not. Next time I see him, I shall have to ask.

PS2: I am listening to Rose Sirintip's new album, Show (โรส ศิรินทิพย์). Here's a tribute to the BF: Khon Derm ('the same guy'). I'm not about to change, and I hope you don't, either.

ไม่มีอะไรที่จะแยกเราจากกัน
ไม่มีอะไรทำให้ฉันจะเปลี่ยนไป
ยังเป็นคนเดิมคือคนนี้ที่ยังรักเธออยู่
ไม่คิดเปลี่ยนใจ
จะนานเพียงใดแต่ใจฉันไม่เปลี่ยนแปลง
จะมีเพียงเธอ เธอคนนี้ตลอดไป ให้วันเวลาพิสูจน์หัวใจ
ว่าใครรักเธอ ว่าใจฉันแน่นอนแค่ไหน
และตัวฉันคือคนเดิม คนที่รักและมีเธอ ตลอดไป