Three comments from readers, in response to the saga over the boyfriend and money. They were left in response to yesterday's update, in which I explain why Maiyuu gets to keep control over the finances. Some readers are evidently unhappy with the ending. Here are excerpts from three comments:
❤"Looking after the finances in our household gives Maiyuu a sense of independence...dignity, if you like."-- this is kind of patronizing, don't you feel? But, yeah, whatever rocks your (and his) boat, mister.
❤Just like a beaten housewife, you need the negative treatment to reinforce your own idea of yourself as worthless, useless, undeserving of happiness.
I deleted the first two messages when they appeared, but kept the last, because the reader went to some effort to respond (it's longish). I have revived parts of them here so I can respond to everyone at once.
I don't know who left the first comment. The second came from a young overseas-based Thai blogger called Aurix, who has faulted me for 'patronising' behaviour in relation to Thais before. I can't be bothered covering the same territory again, so - sorry about that, kid!
It might come as surprising to some, but I do not write to evoke sympathy. I do not know how these sagas will end, as I write them from one day to another, like a diary.
So, if in the eyes of some readers, blog entries appear to flip-flop between inspiring sympathy for myself and being critical of Maiyuu, and back again, that's why.
On one day, he will be on top (so to speak); the next, I might assert myself again. When we are happy, we are in harmony again, so the flip-flopping settles down.
For some readers who have followed the blog a while longer, a collective portrait of Maiyuu emerges, despite the daily fluctuations. Here's another excerpt from the third comment above:
Unfortunately, it's not. Relationships take work. Not all readers may like the way I run mine with Maiyuu. In that case, just be thankful the relationship belongs to me, and that you don't have to share!
Some readers may also dislike Maiyuu. That does not worry me, as I never set out to portray him as a cute, compliant Thai boyfriend who does whatever I ask.
As readers, we like to identify with writers whose stuff we read. One other reader the other day was upset that I let Maiyuu get away with so much. 'I am sorry for caring!' he said.
Maybe I have lost his support. I hope I do not lose too many as a result of the Maiyuu sagas, as the blog is about much more than just him or me.
But at the end of the day, it is still my blog. Just as I can't stop idiots visiting, nor can I prevent them leaving again - though this blog's community of readers is probably no worse off for their absence.
I don't know who left the first comment. The second came from a young overseas-based Thai blogger called Aurix, who has faulted me for 'patronising' behaviour in relation to Thais before. I can't be bothered covering the same territory again, so - sorry about that, kid!
So, if in the eyes of some readers, blog entries appear to flip-flop between inspiring sympathy for myself and being critical of Maiyuu, and back again, that's why.
On one day, he will be on top (so to speak); the next, I might assert myself again. When we are happy, we are in harmony again, so the flip-flopping settles down.
For some readers who have followed the blog a while longer, a collective portrait of Maiyuu emerges, despite the daily fluctuations. Here's another excerpt from the third comment above:
'He doesn't contribute financially, and he lies, steals, and drains your money (furthermore there are some recent questions about his health and state of mind).'
Perhaps Maiyuu is a work in progress - I am still teaching him how to behave [patronising enough, Mr Aurix?]
If fixing breaches in relationships was a simple matter of uttering a few pleasant-sounding words - or one partner asserting his dominance and power over the other - then the world would be a simpler place.
Unfortunately, it's not. Relationships take work. Not all readers may like the way I run mine with Maiyuu. In that case, just be thankful the relationship belongs to me, and that you don't have to share!
Some readers may also dislike Maiyuu. That does not worry me, as I never set out to portray him as a cute, compliant Thai boyfriend who does whatever I ask.
As readers, we like to identify with writers whose stuff we read. One other reader the other day was upset that I let Maiyuu get away with so much. 'I am sorry for caring!' he said.
Maybe I have lost his support. I hope I do not lose too many as a result of the Maiyuu sagas, as the blog is about much more than just him or me.
But at the end of the day, it is still my blog. Just as I can't stop idiots visiting, nor can I prevent them leaving again - though this blog's community of readers is probably no worse off for their absence.
Blogs and the responses they generate are funny things aren't they. I've been reading your blog for a while and enjoy the Maiyuu posts particularly. What you have with him works for you and him, well mostly, but no relationship is perfect. I have to say though that it would be fascinating to read his perspective sometimes as well!
ReplyDeleteOn the money thing, no I don't get it. It wouldn't work for me, but I'm rather retentive financially and have spreadsheets on spending going back years! But if it's yours and his system then that's your business and it obviously mostly works for you or you wouldn't do it.
Sorry, this has turned into a "whatever floats your boat" comment when it wasn't intended to be!
Thank you, Tom.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it would be interesting to hear what Maiyuu thinks of me.
I have invited him before to write something for the blog, but he has declined.
Too shy, perhaps. Or maybe uneasy about what a few negative farang will think.
"patronising enough, Mr Aurix?"
ReplyDeletethat cracked me up, old man!
like the above poster, i do enjoy reading about you and maiyuu.
BKK:
ReplyDeleteIt's your blog, you get to write whatever you want to. No one is forcing anyone to read your entries, and so commentors who berate you for what you write or presume to tell you what you can or cannot write, should pretty much go *bleep* themselves.
That said, many of your readers evidently are concerned about (or at the very least, interested in) your financial and emotional situation. Some of us try to offer you what we feel is sound advice. Hopefully if enough people tell you the same thing, the blinders will come off.
What about at least a monthly or quarterly financial review? Balance-the-chequebook-together sessions or just "Hmm, let's see where we are, and what we need to do finance planning-wise" sessions? That would be prudent and longsighted, as well as giving your partner a chance to plan your finances together with you. And most importantly, it would be an open way to know how much money you have or need to have for the future.
My sneaky suspicion, however, is that mayhaps sub-consciously you're worried about what you might find out, and prefer to remain "blissfully unaware" rather than have the inevitable confrontation, if the funds are not at the level they should be.
I would say, bite the bullet and at least obtain clarity, for both you and your partner's sake.
you wrote that you deleted two comments that you didn't appreciate, but published them in your blog. Why ?
ReplyDeleteSo I could write about them in one place, in a blog post, where more readers have a chance of seeing them.
ReplyDeleteNot all posts get such special treatment. Some just get deleted, such as this one, also from an anonymous poster (yourself, perhaps), which appeared last night:
'...The long story is all about how you and Maiyuu have triggered and engaged each other's passive/ aggressive personalities. The short story is that you deserve each other.'
I even wrote a response, before deleting that, too. I bet you'd like to know what I said, wouldn't you.
Thanks for the offer BKK.. but I've moved on. Besides, if you've been reading your reader's comments about this matter, regardless of the content of your follow-up, the jury has already come back with it's verdict.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry bbkdreamer, these criticists envy the love between you and your bf, love that everybody wants. I luv you! :)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, if you intend returning to the blog, I suggest you coin a handle for yourself. Most posters here have the courage to post behind their own nick, probably because they not have an axe to grind.
ReplyDeleteI might introduce a policy insisting readers coin a name for themselves. Or I could simply delete your poisonous messages, and repost them under a nickname I coin for you myself. How about: 'Bitch is Back'?
Charlie,
ReplyDeleteThank you. I suspect some of the criticism is motivated by envy, or distrust of Thais.
Another share is motivated by genuine concern, as Monkeysee argued above.
I will talk to the boyfriend again about the need to be transparent in the way he manages the finances.
I will start by getting the bank to print off a statement regularly, though I doubt it will help much, as most transactions in our household take place in cash.
BKK,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're making the decision to obtain clarity of your finances. Even if the bank statements don't indicate what the money is withdrawn for, I think the very fact that the finances are reviewed will promote more transparent usage of your funds.
It also help to know if you're putting away enough for a rainy day, or retirement, or both.
I don't think there is a prevalent mistrust of Thais in general. However, that said, I do hear a lot of stories among my friends about how such-and-such had a Thai boyfriend, bought a house in his name in Thailand, only to be kicked out of his own house; or how so-and-so's paying for his boyfriend's education with his life savings, only to have his boyfriend disappear with his hard earned money, etc., etc.
I myself have experience of having an Indonesian boyfriend who lived with me, who always needed money for something or another even though I paid for all household expenses (and he had his own job). He too would resort to emotional blackmail when I refused to give in to him. He quickly drained much of my savings before I knew it, and that experience has left me (I hope) a wee bit wiser when it comes to money vs. the affairs of the heart.
There should be no loss of face (for either person)in monitoring your finances together, especially since you are a couple. It is healthy and part of "married" life.
All the best!
We are not all the same anonymous. I have not posted any poisonous comments recently, and those other nasty ones that are posted under 'anonymous' are from someone else. I personally (this anonymous) am responsible for the long comments in which I insist you are responsible for your own wellbeing and deserve happiness. Perhaps I should choose a handle to distinguish myself from those who merely wish to hurt you.
ReplyDeleteIn that case, I urge you to come up with a nick. It will help me, and other readers, tell you apart from the others.
ReplyDelete