If I was to leave: More thoughts

Some Thais do not want to live overseas. Should I ever leave this place, I doubt Maiyuu would want to come with me. In any case, I am not sure I would want him.

I don't know why some foreigners get so clucky over the thought of gay marriage. It doesn't appeal to me, and is not an option I would even consider.

Married to a guy who is so wilfully ignorant of the ways of the West? No thanks. He would be a chain around my neck.

If I returned overseas, I would want a new start. The only reason I would take Maiyuu would be as a helpmate - in the event I was incapable of starting again myself.

That's unlikely to happen, as I am still fit, relatively young, and capable.

'Oh, a button has fallen off my shirt! What should I do?'

'Oh, I'm hungry...who will cook for me?'

Pathetic...anyone can do better than that, including me.

Many farang seem keen on trying to civilise or westernise their Thai partners. Yet I like Maiyuu the way he is.

I don't insist he learns English; that challenge, in any event, takes years of study and practice. If he doesn't want to educate himself further, or put himself in training courses, then that is his choice. I won't force him.

But if the day comes when I do decide to leave this place for home, he will have to start again (just as I will, only I shall do it overseas).

My duty is to make him aware that one day it might happen; that in this life, anything can happen which forces an abrupt change in our circumstances. Will he be ready?

My parents are getting old. If my father suddenly fell ill, would I return home? It's possible. If my company started laying off people and I lost my job, I would have no choice but to return, as I have no desire to start again here.

I would also like the opportunity to work back home should one present itself.

In short, I am waiting for someone to move my cheese - to force change upon me.

In the short term, I am unlikely to pull the plug on my Thai life myself, unless relations with the boyfriend suddenly deteriorated, and I could not be bothered trying to revive the relationship.

Over time, however, these thoughts are likely to weigh more heavily upon me, so in the end I might move my cheese myself, without waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Once again, my only obligation to the boyfriend is to let him know that it could happen, that nothing is permanent, and that in the grand scheme of things - work, family, boyfriend - he might well end up coming in third.

Maiyuu lets me see little of him. I have lived with him for nine years, but sometimes feel I am only just getting to know him.

'I could fall under a bus tomorrow - have you ever thought of what could happen to you if I did?' I asked him the other day.

'No,' he replied simply.

That's so Thai...live for the moment!

Why bother with such people? Well, I'm here, so I may as well. But anywhere else? No thanks. I can do better, and if Maiyuu really is intent on being so frustratingly Thai, then he might also be better off in a relationship with someone else - with one of his own kind, not with me.

If I was to leave (part 2, final)

All foreigners who live here go through phases when they would rather be somewhere else.

Eventually, the negative feelings fade, and we regain our enthusiasm. This time, my doubts are taking longer to dispel. Will I go back to my old pro-Thai self, or is it time to move on?

Without a doubt, now is not a good time to leave. Jobs in the West are hard to find, as the world economy is in bad shape. That, however, is really by-the-by.

A more intriguing question is how would the boyfriend react. 'Maiyuu, I want to go home. How would you feel if we parted?'

Until recently, I have told him that I am here forever. Now, I am not so sure.

A farang I know from work has just retired. He is not sure how he will survive beyond the next 10 years, as his superannuation savings are likely to run out.

He has a Thai wife, and has applied for residency. However, they are unlikely to help him make ends meet, if he really hasn't managed to save much since he arrived more than 12 years ago.

'Don't let this happen to you,' he warned me before he left.

If I decided to quit my job, and offered to give Maiyuu a large sum of money from my own superannuation savings at work, would it make any difference?

That would offer him financial relief, at least for a while. It would give him time to get a job, get back on his feet, so I could leave without feeling guilty, right?

Probably not, as he believes (correctly) that we are in love. It is the kind of love where, if we have done something to upset each other during the day, we find it hard to sleep. Well - ahem - I know I do.

Love is about understanding each other's needs, of course. Over the last six months, Maiyuu has been withdrawing from the world. He quit his job, then stopped calling his friends.

Is a man in this mental state ready to face the workforce? No.

If I did not still love him, then I would not care. But because I do love him, I will give him more time to get back his old self - then I will leave!

I am joking about walking out on the poor man. But I do want him to go back to being his old cheerful, actively engaged self. We all need friends, and work is not such a bad thing either.

'The expenses involved in working are too high. My wages would not cover them. It's better if I stay at home,' he says, while maintaining that he does not feel bored stuck indoors all day.

That's nonsense - just an excuse for not wanting to face people. Maiyuu has taken fright from the world, but I don't know why. What has happened to his self-esteem?

Still, let's assume that circumstances beyond my control forced me to contemplate leaving this place. Would he survive, and should I worry?

People adapt, because they must.

We would both find it hard to adjust to single life at first, but I am sure we would manage.

Lately, I have suggested that Maiyuu find a job, if only to put his own mind at rest.

What if I was to fall under a bus tomorrow? The result is the same. He owes it to himself to safeguard his future.

I have given him something to mull over. I told Maiyuu that I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves like a child. Let's see what he makes of that.

If I was to leave... (part 1)

I am in love, supposedly. But since my return from a trip to Malaysia with my family, I am feeling restless with my Thai life.

I think often of my home country, the inevitability of retirement 20 years from now, and where I would like to spent the next phase of my life.

Can I see the Thai phase going on forever? Once, yes, but since I went to Malaysia, no. I miss the company of my parents, working in a 'real' job, and friends who speak my language.

I suspect a cunning plot. My parents probably knew that once I had seen other Asian ways - this was my first trip to the Southeast Asian region outside Thailand - I might feel restless.

I have no desire to live in Malaysia, but its similarity with Thailand taught me that Thailand is not so special after all. Thais are friendly, open people, but then so are those in my home country.

I don't want to live elsewhere in Asia. I am done with overseas adventures. Now, I want to go home, or at least that's what my heart appears to be telling me.

Is it permanent, this restlessness which has haunted me since my return?

now, see part 2

Coconut pancake, bald patch, Songkran trance

Boyfriend Maiyuu can now add another dessert, kanom krok (coconut pancakes) to the list of Thai traditional desserts he can whip up. He used his new takoyaki (Japanese dumpling) maker. A recipe for kanom krok, accompanied by pictures, is here.

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Maiyuu says it is hard to push the peddles. I reply that he is simply out of shape.

As I walked back from the pool yesterday, I found Maiyuu riding his bike in a courtyard close to the condo entrance.

I leave the condo more often than Maiyuu, who spends most of his time in our room.

In daylight hours, he leaves the bike in the courtyard, and brings it in only at night.

'Is the bike still there?' he asks me when I return.

Maiyuu loves his bike. Maybe this is the first bike he has owned since he was a child, if indeed he ever owned one.

I enjoy watching him cycle round and round the courtyard fountain (broken long ago now, I'm afraid).

When he turned his back the other day, I spotted the donut-like bald patch at the crown of his head.

At 30, is he too old to be enjoying a bike? No.

Am I proud to have bought him the bike, which which evidently gives him so much pleasure? Of course.

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The Songkran water-throwing festival is upon us. Last night as I walked to work I spotted young people warming up for the event. They were under a bridge, dancing hypnotically to reedy Thai country music.

People who throw water like to dance up and down on the spot while they are waiting for victims to come along. It is a creepy dance, as if they are in a trance.

Songkran revellers are usually wearing wet clothes. When I first noticed this odd dance, I assumed it was to keep away the cold.

Kids do it, even people in their 20s, 30s. Now I have a simpler explanation: Songkran revellers dance to keep their spirits up.

They are trying to convince themselves that throwing water at each other and getting splashed in return for hours a day really is as fun as they have been led to believe.

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No one has invited Maiyuu out to play Songkran, which means that he might have to spend the long weekend stuck at home with me.

In previous years, he has rarely been at home. He would squirt or splash water by day, and go out to discos at night.

'I call my friends, but no one answers. And no one has invited me out with them,' he says.

Maybe they're all getting too old, or they think he now lives too far away?

Bike squeezes in, Thai custard, Japanese dumplings, Shrink on hiatus

We have found a way to squeeze Maiyuu's mountain bike into the lift.

If we lift the front wheel, and he backs in, he can get both himself and the bike into the condo lift comfortably.

If he is alone, he has to try to back in while yanking the front of the bike upwards at the same time.

It is difficult, but can be done. So, no more lugging the thing down seven flights of stairs.

By day, he keeps the bike outside our condo building. At night, he brings it back upstairs, and the bike sleeps in the living room.

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The takoyaki (Japanese dumpling) maker is a success, at least as far as I am concerned.

Maiyuuu cooked up a batch of a couple of dozen dumplings yesterday. They are usually made with octopus, but Maiyuu put in prawns instead.

He drizzles a cheese and mayonnaise mix on top, along with those hairy dried fish things which move about in the air and look as if they have taken on a life of their own. Delicious!

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A reader asked if Maiyuu can make Thai traditional dessert (spelt with a double S). For the most part, no, although he can make Thai custard (sung khaya).

As it happens, the other day he made Thai custard, poured into hollowed-out pumpkin (fak thong sung khaya). That, too, was tasty, though Maiyuu reckons he has some way to go yet before he will be happy with it.

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The Shrink says his comments at this blog are not helping matters and he is likely to take a month off. Please enjoy your break.

That was good timing, as I was wondering what to do about him. The Shrink's negative commentary is in danger of dragging down the tone, and we can't have that.

While catfights are fun to watch, I don't think it looks good for the owner of a blog to argue with his readers.

I have said my piece. Yesterday the Shrink replied in his customary unpleasant manner.

Based on his reading of this blog, he reckons that I lack self-love, and probably come from a dysfunctional family. Now, as if those problems weren't enough, I suffer from possible alcohol, drug dependency and eating disorder problems as well.

I joked in a recent post that I may have chosen to give myself a little luvin' by treating myself to a chocolate cake. If I failed to mention it on the blog, readers would have no way of knowing. They could go on thinking that I do indeed lack self-love.

This was part of a wider point that if the Shrink accuses me of various failings often enough, they can take on a life of their own, in the absence of evidence one way or the other. Surely, I do not have to respond every time I get another 'You lack self-love' post?

The Shrink's response was so pedantic and gloomy that it made me laugh. I know that wasn't the intended reaction, but really, what else can you do with the following?

'I know you are older because you have mentioned things which point to your age. I know you are in ill-health because you have mentioned issues with drug and alcohol dependency, and with your weight (perhaps you have deleted them, so I am not going to try to dredge them up in detail- but I am sure you know what I mean).

'Anyway, good luck. You'll need it.

'PS - if you ARE having issues with your weight, treating yourself to chocolate cake is self-abuse, not self-love. Self-love would result in something that helps you and makes you better- and THAT will make you feel better more than any chocolate cake ever good.'

Er, er, er, you have caught me with my mouth full of cake! Should I spit it out, or swallow?

The Shrink has been a contributor here for some time, offering for free his opinions on the state of my mind.

I have not asked the Shrink, but I suspect he would be willing to offer his insights to help this blog's readers as well. An agony aunt column would be fun. Questions, anyone?

A gay Miss Manners column would be even more fun, but first we would need to find someone with 'pedigree' to offer advice.

The other day I thanked the Shrink - who remains a mysterious anonymous entity, about whom we know little - for adding colour to this blog.

However, I was just beginning to think that he may have outstayed his welcome this time, when he declared he was likely to take a month off. I'm sure some of us will end up missing him before the four weeks are up. True?