If I was to leave: Romantic notions intact

I'm about to coin a new word. Here's an 'explainer' (perfectly acceptable verb becomes lazy noun) about what the posts on 'If I was to leave' were really about.

I have no plan to leave the boyfriend. I was simply asking what would happen if I did. Admittedly, I have been contemplating it more often lately...barely a day does not go by, in fact, where I do not wish I could start again.

I am a restless soul. No sooner am I happy than I start getting bored.

Our new place in town is all I could want. It is close to work, and even close to the tacky tourist district should I ever want to confront hostile reader opinion, and venture down there.

It's the best place I have lived in since I left the West, when I owned - ahem, was paying off - my own home. Yet it is also isolated and lonely, as I have mentioned before.

A month ago, I went overseas, when many of the assumptions I had made about my life here - that I would live in Thailand forever, that I would stay with Maiyuu as long as our love lasts - came unstuck.

I can't resist the urge to search out challenges, to experience new things for their own sake and see how I adapt to their demands.

That's called being human. None of us wants to get stuck in a rut, have someone move our cheese 10 years from now, and find we are no longer capable of adjusting to change.

What I was made redundant 10 years from now, while still in Thailand? Would I still be employable in the West? I would have a much better chance of leading a comfortable life in retirement if I left now.

At this point, I am sure my my romantically minded readers would like me to declare: 'But who cares about living well in retirement? The most important thing in life is love, and you have that in Mr Maiyuu!'

Romance is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills, especially when my 'life partner', if that is what he is to be, brings so little to the table. He is out of work, and shows no desire to get another job.

Maiyuu left school at 15, when his parents died. I spent much longer at the education thing, including five years at university. Why should I support him?

In those posts, I drew a line between what I am prepared to tolerate here, and what I would be likely to do in the West. I can live with Maiyuu here, because he is Thai, I am in Thailand, and we love each other.

If I was to return home one day in the future, I would want to start again, but alone. If that's the case, then I should contemplate doing it sooner rather than later. The longer I leave it, the harder it will be.

None of this amounts to a declaration that I am sick of Maiyuu, and want to leave right now. He's a sweet kid, and I love him. What some readers probably find hard to understand is how I can love him here, but not over there.

I might save that answer for another day, if you do not mind. But I doubt Maiyuu would want to accompany me anyway. Why do foreigners assume that Thais always want the chance to move to the West? It's not so. I am sure my guy would prefer to stay here.

Another reason I wrote about this things is that the issue so seldom addressed on Thai blogs or webboards.

How many foreigners living with Thais bother to ask, 'What would happen if I leave' - to both the foreigner himself, and the Thai?

If I was to leave: More thoughts

Some Thais do not want to live overseas. Should I ever leave this place, I doubt Maiyuu would want to come with me. In any case, I am not sure I would want him.

I don't know why some foreigners get so clucky over the thought of gay marriage. It doesn't appeal to me, and is not an option I would even consider.

Married to a guy who is so wilfully ignorant of the ways of the West? No thanks. He would be a chain around my neck.

If I returned overseas, I would want a new start. The only reason I would take Maiyuu would be as a helpmate - in the event I was incapable of starting again myself.

That's unlikely to happen, as I am still fit, relatively young, and capable.

'Oh, a button has fallen off my shirt! What should I do?'

'Oh, I'm hungry...who will cook for me?'

Pathetic...anyone can do better than that, including me.

Many farang seem keen on trying to civilise or westernise their Thai partners. Yet I like Maiyuu the way he is.

I don't insist he learns English; that challenge, in any event, takes years of study and practice. If he doesn't want to educate himself further, or put himself in training courses, then that is his choice. I won't force him.

But if the day comes when I do decide to leave this place for home, he will have to start again (just as I will, only I shall do it overseas).

My duty is to make him aware that one day it might happen; that in this life, anything can happen which forces an abrupt change in our circumstances. Will he be ready?

My parents are getting old. If my father suddenly fell ill, would I return home? It's possible. If my company started laying off people and I lost my job, I would have no choice but to return, as I have no desire to start again here.

I would also like the opportunity to work back home should one present itself.

In short, I am waiting for someone to move my cheese - to force change upon me.

In the short term, I am unlikely to pull the plug on my Thai life myself, unless relations with the boyfriend suddenly deteriorated, and I could not be bothered trying to revive the relationship.

Over time, however, these thoughts are likely to weigh more heavily upon me, so in the end I might move my cheese myself, without waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Once again, my only obligation to the boyfriend is to let him know that it could happen, that nothing is permanent, and that in the grand scheme of things - work, family, boyfriend - he might well end up coming in third.

Maiyuu lets me see little of him. I have lived with him for nine years, but sometimes feel I am only just getting to know him.

'I could fall under a bus tomorrow - have you ever thought of what could happen to you if I did?' I asked him the other day.

'No,' he replied simply.

That's so Thai...live for the moment!

Why bother with such people? Well, I'm here, so I may as well. But anywhere else? No thanks. I can do better, and if Maiyuu really is intent on being so frustratingly Thai, then he might also be better off in a relationship with someone else - with one of his own kind, not with me.

If I was to leave (part 2, final)

All foreigners who live here go through phases when they would rather be somewhere else.

Eventually, the negative feelings fade, and we regain our enthusiasm. This time, my doubts are taking longer to dispel. Will I go back to my old pro-Thai self, or is it time to move on?

Without a doubt, now is not a good time to leave. Jobs in the West are hard to find, as the world economy is in bad shape. That, however, is really by-the-by.

A more intriguing question is how would the boyfriend react. 'Maiyuu, I want to go home. How would you feel if we parted?'

Until recently, I have told him that I am here forever. Now, I am not so sure.

A farang I know from work has just retired. He is not sure how he will survive beyond the next 10 years, as his superannuation savings are likely to run out.

He has a Thai wife, and has applied for residency. However, they are unlikely to help him make ends meet, if he really hasn't managed to save much since he arrived more than 12 years ago.

'Don't let this happen to you,' he warned me before he left.

If I decided to quit my job, and offered to give Maiyuu a large sum of money from my own superannuation savings at work, would it make any difference?

That would offer him financial relief, at least for a while. It would give him time to get a job, get back on his feet, so I could leave without feeling guilty, right?

Probably not, as he believes (correctly) that we are in love. It is the kind of love where, if we have done something to upset each other during the day, we find it hard to sleep. Well - ahem - I know I do.

Love is about understanding each other's needs, of course. Over the last six months, Maiyuu has been withdrawing from the world. He quit his job, then stopped calling his friends.

Is a man in this mental state ready to face the workforce? No.

If I did not still love him, then I would not care. But because I do love him, I will give him more time to get back his old self - then I will leave!

I am joking about walking out on the poor man. But I do want him to go back to being his old cheerful, actively engaged self. We all need friends, and work is not such a bad thing either.

'The expenses involved in working are too high. My wages would not cover them. It's better if I stay at home,' he says, while maintaining that he does not feel bored stuck indoors all day.

That's nonsense - just an excuse for not wanting to face people. Maiyuu has taken fright from the world, but I don't know why. What has happened to his self-esteem?

Still, let's assume that circumstances beyond my control forced me to contemplate leaving this place. Would he survive, and should I worry?

People adapt, because they must.

We would both find it hard to adjust to single life at first, but I am sure we would manage.

Lately, I have suggested that Maiyuu find a job, if only to put his own mind at rest.

What if I was to fall under a bus tomorrow? The result is the same. He owes it to himself to safeguard his future.

I have given him something to mull over. I told Maiyuu that I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves like a child. Let's see what he makes of that.

If I was to leave... (part 1)

I am in love, supposedly. But since my return from a trip to Malaysia with my family, I am feeling restless with my Thai life.

I think often of my home country, the inevitability of retirement 20 years from now, and where I would like to spent the next phase of my life.

Can I see the Thai phase going on forever? Once, yes, but since I went to Malaysia, no. I miss the company of my parents, working in a 'real' job, and friends who speak my language.

I suspect a cunning plot. My parents probably knew that once I had seen other Asian ways - this was my first trip to the Southeast Asian region outside Thailand - I might feel restless.

I have no desire to live in Malaysia, but its similarity with Thailand taught me that Thailand is not so special after all. Thais are friendly, open people, but then so are those in my home country.

I don't want to live elsewhere in Asia. I am done with overseas adventures. Now, I want to go home, or at least that's what my heart appears to be telling me.

Is it permanent, this restlessness which has haunted me since my return?

now, see part 2

Coconut pancake, bald patch, Songkran trance

Boyfriend Maiyuu can now add another dessert, kanom krok (coconut pancakes) to the list of Thai traditional desserts he can whip up. He used his new takoyaki (Japanese dumpling) maker. A recipe for kanom krok, accompanied by pictures, is here.

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Maiyuu says it is hard to push the peddles. I reply that he is simply out of shape.

As I walked back from the pool yesterday, I found Maiyuu riding his bike in a courtyard close to the condo entrance.

I leave the condo more often than Maiyuu, who spends most of his time in our room.

In daylight hours, he leaves the bike in the courtyard, and brings it in only at night.

'Is the bike still there?' he asks me when I return.

Maiyuu loves his bike. Maybe this is the first bike he has owned since he was a child, if indeed he ever owned one.

I enjoy watching him cycle round and round the courtyard fountain (broken long ago now, I'm afraid).

When he turned his back the other day, I spotted the donut-like bald patch at the crown of his head.

At 30, is he too old to be enjoying a bike? No.

Am I proud to have bought him the bike, which which evidently gives him so much pleasure? Of course.

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The Songkran water-throwing festival is upon us. Last night as I walked to work I spotted young people warming up for the event. They were under a bridge, dancing hypnotically to reedy Thai country music.

People who throw water like to dance up and down on the spot while they are waiting for victims to come along. It is a creepy dance, as if they are in a trance.

Songkran revellers are usually wearing wet clothes. When I first noticed this odd dance, I assumed it was to keep away the cold.

Kids do it, even people in their 20s, 30s. Now I have a simpler explanation: Songkran revellers dance to keep their spirits up.

They are trying to convince themselves that throwing water at each other and getting splashed in return for hours a day really is as fun as they have been led to believe.

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No one has invited Maiyuu out to play Songkran, which means that he might have to spend the long weekend stuck at home with me.

In previous years, he has rarely been at home. He would squirt or splash water by day, and go out to discos at night.

'I call my friends, but no one answers. And no one has invited me out with them,' he says.

Maybe they're all getting too old, or they think he now lives too far away?