Thursday 6 May 2010

It happens naturally, dear reader

Readers have left lively responses to yesterday's post. Here's my response to criticisms by one anonymous reader.

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Anonymous wrote: 'I've always wondered if I knew you, I'd see your world through your eyes.. and have a similar point of view.. or would I see you as a predator from the first-world, who's feeding off the labors and energy of those you try to manipulate.'

Wonder no longer. We'd have little, if anything in common, I suspect.

It's a family thing; I enjoy being with them all. It's not just about me, or Ball. He has a girlfriend, and when the two of them are happy and getting along, they are wonderful together.

There's also Mum. She calls me to unload about Ball, to ask me about him when she is not present, and occasionally to seek my advice.

Early this morning she called about a small drama which occurred last night between Ball, girlfriend Jay and Mum herself. I didn't have to talk, just listen.

As it happens, I agreed with every word she said, and at the right moments said so.

Idle taxi driver Lort - now in hospital with a diabetes-related illness, his comatose-like condition little improved - wants no part in this family's life.

I do. That's the difference, and Mum has spotted it. She talks to me like she would her own partner, if she had a real one.

Mum wants a man she can talk to about Mr Ball and his girlfriend. We seldom talk about Mr B, her youngest son, or her daughter Kae. Perhaps they don't cause her as much trouble.

Mum talked to me for 10 minutes. I told her I'd drop in to see them in early afternoon.

I'm doing the family thing. If Mum thought I meant ill by her son, she wouldn't call.

As for Mr Ball and his fondness for the brown stuff, I do no more to encourage him than would any other friend. In fact, the others are worse.

The cause of last night's drama? Carer R, who has moved to Yasothorn province in Esan, sent word through a relative that he wanted Ball to visit him there for a four-day stay. He is missing his drinking friends.

Mum wasn't keen on him going, as she would have to give him spending money, and Lort had just entered hospital. She can't take care of the toddlers in the household and pay daily visits to him as well.

'Who will he mix with? He knows no one there other than R himself. He has no idea about the conditions in which he lives. He is still a child. How can I let him go?' Mum asked.

Quite right. I don't want him to go either, and have told him so. When I saw Mr Ball last night, he was resigned to the fact that he should stay at home and help his Mum.

These are the types of things we discuss. Occasionally I slip up when we are tossing back the brown stuff, as we both like a drink. Jay usually pulls me up. Once or twice, Mum has questioned my judgement too.

However, Mum knows that her son is in much safer hands with me than when he is with his other friends.

His fondness for alcohol is a complicated issue which needs delicate handling. I can't ban him, and why should I, when I too enjoy the same pasttime?

Mum and I try to limit him to safe environments, while still permitting him to indulge. Explaining more takes too much time...I'll save that one for another day.

I love Ball, increasingly as a friend. I don't need booze to gain access to his life, and nor do I need to open my wallet constantly to win over Mum's trust or loyalty.

Those who argue otherwise are too quick to criticise, and perhaps letting their own experiences of this country colour their judgement.

2 comments:

  1. 13 comments:

    Anonymous5 May 2010 at 22:07
    Hi, Bill in Reno, here, I have been enjoying your blog for the last 3 years or so, mostly I agree with your insights into Thai life. I noticed that it is not unusual for Thai families to "adopt" a good hearted unrelated older man as a "uncle".
    This may seem strange to the un-initiated but I have had similar experiences, usually these relationships are not exploitative for either party but can enrich both lives. Keep up the good work! Hope to visit soon.

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous5 May 2010 at 23:26
    This is called unconditional love. You love Ball and want the best for him. You have no intention to change him. If he turns to you and say 'I love you', you will probably swift him away in your arms. Your love will slowly build up and eventually, you cannot control your own feeling.

    Elephant

    ReplyDelete

    Bkkdreamer6 May 2010 at 05:49
    Bill: Most readers of this blog appear to have little experience or knowledge of the way Thai families work, and could do worse than read the stories here to see what they can glean from them.

    How many know, for example, just how big a part the brown stuff plays in every day life in working class Thailand?

    Instead, most rehearse the 'you are being bad to your BF' argument, as if we havern't heard it all 100 times before.

    I would have liked to see some response to the main part of the story, about Lort's seizure, and admission to hospital...for example, how often does fitting accompany diabetes?

    Only one reader, Wilko, mentioned anything about it. She referred to the fact that someone put a spoon in the patient's mouth to stop him biting his tongue.

    It's no longer accepted practice, and I am pleased someone pointed it out. I had expected someone would mention it, and am pleased Wilko came to the party.

    Where are the rest of you?

    Elephant: I no longer want him to utter the words. We are entering a terrific 'friends' phase of our relationship. Maybe next, it's the Dad phase, but I doubt either of us will ever need to mention it.

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous6 May 2010 at 10:24
    Reader comments will never change your ways.
    For some unknown reasoning your relationships and actions are meeting your needs so you will continue. Put a spoon in the mouth of someone having a seizure is dumb or just stupid?

    ReplyDelete

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bkkdreamer6 May 2010 at 17:03
    Anon: I didn't put a spoon in anyone's mouth. Read the thing carefully.

    Reader comments do influence my actions, actually, as they usually give me pause for thought. But that doesn't mean I always agree with them.

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous7 May 2010 at 10:23
    Comment did not say YOU put the spoon in
    Lort's mouth. Don't you agree it was a dumb
    or stupid move?

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous7 May 2010 at 11:59
    Well, l hope Lort is recovering.

    Witnessing seizures is a frightening experience and l hope everyone wasn't too stressed by it all, BD.

    Love to you both
    Wilks xx

    ReplyDelete

    Bkkdreamer7 May 2010 at 17:12
    Anon: Who cares? The point is, many people still do it.

    Wilks: Lort is now 'self-aware', and talking again. The cost of his ongoing treatment will be covered by the state, which is good news.

    I suggested taking Ball and his girlfriend Jay to play badminton yesterday. That idea fell flat, as Jay doesn't know how to play, so wasn't interested.

    In the afternoon, I sent an SMS to Mum about a job vacancy going at a condo near here which I thought might suit Jay. I hope she acts on it.

    I don't want to see those kids sitting around home all day as they are at present. It leads to bad habits...they might get used to it!

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous8 May 2010 at 08:01
    maybe they just want to survive on small money and have a lazy slum life...you always looking at these people through western eyes

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    Bkkdreamer8 May 2010 at 18:48
    I hope for something better...I don't see how that is the same as 'looking at these people through western eyes'.

    I don't want to spend my time with people who turn out to be unworthy. Sometimes people need gentle prodding; I'm the prodder. I want both Ball and Jay to find jobs, so they will stop being a burden on the household.

    I'll see how it goes, and make a decision.

    It's better than visiting them every day and saying nothing.

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous9 May 2010 at 08:15
    what i mean by this ....in the western world one is expected to grow up find a job and move out....in these slums...one finds work others stay home with the kids and gamble and drink..if this is "unworthy" for your friendship in your western eyes..i dont think the thais that are nieghbors and friend care like you do who is working or not...they survived so far without you

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    Bkkdreamer9 May 2010 at 08:27
    They have indeed survived before I came along, and will carry on doing so after I have left.

    ReplyDelete

    Anonymous9 May 2010 at 19:25
    i have always liked your attitude

    ReplyDelete

    ReplyDelete

Comments are welcome, in English or Thai (I can't read anything else). Anonymous posting is discouraged, unless you'd like to give yourself a name at the bottom of your post, so we can tell who you are.