The strident coming-out brigade

I'm not anti-gay; just pro-family...let’s put it like that, shall we?

But where everyone else is concerned, oh, yes - come out! Regular readers of this blog (well, most of those who have contributed, anyway) are in no doubt that telling our families is the best answer.

We owe it to our parents and ourselves to tell them what we are really like, they say. Otherwise, we lead worthless lives of deception.

The debate on whether gays should tell their parents about their 'true' selves started inadvertently, in response to Saturday's post.

I wrote mainly about symphony orchestras, but also mentioned the plight of a young Malaysian blogger who has told his parents he is gay, and whose Dad won't accept his declaration.

In this pro coming-out message left in response, here is reader Anon:

'Without this very important knowledge of who you are, the entire family is dealing with you on false pretenses (and you with them). There may be surface calm and serenity, but it is dishonest and not real; ie, it is not the real you who is a member of the family but a facade.'

Strong words! So if I have yet to come out, and regard myself as at least part-gay, I am duping my parents? I am wasting our precious time together as I put across a fake image of myself, merely to gain their acceptance?

Life would be nice if it were so simple. Maybe for the proselytising come-out brigade, it is.

Never mind that a gay man may no longer be a teen craving anyone's acceptance. Or that his relationship with his family may have covered many obstacles and joyous moments even in the absence of such a declaration. They might be happy with things the way they are.

The pro-openness movement says they can't possibly enjoy a meaningful relationship - no matter what else has happened, no matter what the age gap between offspring and parent, or each other's expectations of how parents and their children should behave.

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We just have to get the message out there at whatever cost, rub it in their faces, if necessary, to proudly proclaim the real us.

Sometimes the pro-openness message sounds dominant and assertive. 'Stop the lying, liberate yourself and your parents!'

At other times, it sounds oddly subjugated and timid, as if gays do not have the right to expect they will be accepted.

'NEVER despair. ALWAYS hope. GIVE love.'

Forgive me, but I don't see why we should allow ourselves to be brow-beaten by the 'come out' mafia, whether in assertive or submissive mode. No one solution will work for everyone.

Yet if I buck the trend and decline to tell my parents, will I pay a price?

'By delay[ing], you remove the opportunity to build a real relationship, which takes time and good will on both sides. The longer the 'imaginary' relationship persists, the harder it will be to overcome it,' says another reader.

Really? Parents are not as feeble as this argument suggests. They manage to cope with any manner of crises which their children present for their attention: unwanted pregnancies, drugs, serious illness.

Is the 'I am gay' declaration so earth-shatteringly important?

This reader, meanwhile, sounds like a politician stumping for election:

'Here is my stance - As a gay man / lesbian ... it is YOUR responsibility to come out and live out. Not only for your own well-being but the well-being of future generations of GLBT people.

'The reason so many parents (and cultures and societies) still (amazingly) have problems with GLBT people is BECAUSE we are ALL NOT OUT.'

Permit me to offer an opinion on behalf of the hapless minority who have yet to liberate their true selves, and discover the glory of asserting their gayness:

We are all not you. Nor do we have to care how beautiful your life has become since you confronted your parents with the news that you are not the man they might have thought you were.

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Many gays seem determined to foist the news on their parents no matter what.

They want to meet their own needs. What their parents think, or their siblings, friends, employees and so on, counts for much less.

These things should be negotiated and managed over time, if they are raised at all.

Questions for the strident pro-outers:

Other members of the family should be considered. If enough of them disagree, would you drop your insistence on being gay - or is it a non-negotiable stance?

Is being gay a non-negotiable part of you, for that matter? How much of you has to be gay before you reach the point where you simply must tell - 50%? 70?

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All of us have family responsibilities, roles which we are expected to play which have a value of their own, both to us and other members of the family with whom we interact.

As an uncle, for example, I would want to consult my brothers and sisters about what approach they would like me to take, as they have children who one day will be old enough to understand what being gay means.

Another challenge for the tub-thumping pro-gay brigade:

'It is not just about you - it something which affects everyone. So, the question is not just whether you are up to it - more importantly, are they?'

PS: I am ware that not everyone will agree, especially gay readers who have come out and liken the experience to the second coming of the Lord. You are entitled to your view, as am I.