Thailand? Bring it on! (aka Boyfriend gets reprieve)

I have decided to stay with Maiyuu. He deserves nothing less, as he comes from a poor family, and doesn't have my advantages.

I could kick myself now when I consider how foolish I have been.

Why question love, when it feels so unambiguous?

Why ponder retirement, when it will happen as night follows day.

I may as well be poor, living with Maiyuu, than relatively well-off, but alone in the West. Love conquers all, even an empty bank balance.

--
I read the comments, and realise that some of my readers were UNHAPPY about the recent series of posts on whether I should stay with the boyfriend or go back to the West.

Thailand has not felt the same lately, I wrote, since my return from a recent trip to Malaysia.
I suspect my love for Maiyuu was simply at a low ebb, so everything around me looked black.

Now that we have rekindled our love for each other, Thailand looks just as bright, breezy, and wonderful as it did on the very first day when I set foot on its soil.

I should get down and kiss the ground, the way former leader Thaksn Shinawatra once did, after returning to Thailand from a brief period of exile abroad (he's now in exile again).

Kathoey affectation, ear affection

I took Maiyuu out for lunch yesterday.

The green place which we ate in last time was closed - the staff were standing outside the shop, squirting water at Songkran passers-by - so we kept walking down Soi Sri Bumpen.

We walked right past the gay cafe, which bores us both. Maiyuu has never eaten there, but I have, and told him about it.

The gay cafe is owned by a farang guy and his Thai gay mate, a showy type who parades himself before customers, making a spectacle of his gayness.

If he has his hands full serving, he uses his butt to open the glass door. That's for the benefit of customers. Ooh, how naughty!

For those of us who have seen it all before, the reaction is more jaded: 'Yes, darling, we know you have a butt.'

We ended up at a steak house which my friend, farang C, tells me is run by Burmese. They work 12 hours a day, he says.

I told Maiyuu how hard they work. He said nothing, but did not look impressed.

Opposite the steak eatery is a bar which attracts many farang tourists.

A handful of kathoey and showy gay types was there. Some wore denim shorts so small they reminded me of teabags.

White underwear, de rigueur for the tacky bar set, peaked over the top, down the sides, out the bottom...all over in fact, as there was nowhere else for it to go.

Squealing, prancing and preening, two or three kathoey walked on to the street to hail a tuk tuk for Silom.

Trailing after them was a fair-headed farang guy in his 20s, no doubt a tourist. So you thought you were straight, did you? Welcome to Thailand!

He looked embarrassed, yet also enthralled.

I suppose he had made the common mistake of befriending them over a drink, and now could not get rid of them.

Maiyuu watched with interest.

'Oh-ho!' he said, the Thai equivalent of 'Wow, or 'How about that!'

What he meant was: 'Sluts!'

-
I have picked up an ear infection from the condo pool. Water entered my ear, and won't come out. An infection has taken hold, and appears to be spreading...last night my jaw felt sore, my glands had swollen.

In Soi Sri Bumpen, I bought ear drops to clear the infection, and Actifed to stop the ringing in my ears.

The ear drops are called S. M. Oto, made in Thailand. 'For the treatment of ear affections,' says the box.

Ear affections? Left to Maiyuu - who reckons I over-dramatise illnesses when they strike - that word should probably read 'Affectations'. Of course I am not really sick - just pretending.

I asked him to apply the eardrops yesterday afternoon. Ouch! Could we do it a little more sensitively please? After work last night, I did it myself.

Maiyuu himself is feeling out of sorts, with a headache, and sore throat. An affection, my dear - or mere infection? Tell Daddy what he needs to know, so he can spend money to make you better.

If I was to leave: Romantic notions intact

I'm about to coin a new word. Here's an 'explainer' (perfectly acceptable verb becomes lazy noun) about what the posts on 'If I was to leave' were really about.

I have no plan to leave the boyfriend. I was simply asking what would happen if I did. Admittedly, I have been contemplating it more often lately...barely a day does not go by, in fact, where I do not wish I could start again.

I am a restless soul. No sooner am I happy than I start getting bored.

Our new place in town is all I could want. It is close to work, and even close to the tacky tourist district should I ever want to confront hostile reader opinion, and venture down there.

It's the best place I have lived in since I left the West, when I owned - ahem, was paying off - my own home. Yet it is also isolated and lonely, as I have mentioned before.

A month ago, I went overseas, when many of the assumptions I had made about my life here - that I would live in Thailand forever, that I would stay with Maiyuu as long as our love lasts - came unstuck.

I can't resist the urge to search out challenges, to experience new things for their own sake and see how I adapt to their demands.

That's called being human. None of us wants to get stuck in a rut, have someone move our cheese 10 years from now, and find we are no longer capable of adjusting to change.

What I was made redundant 10 years from now, while still in Thailand? Would I still be employable in the West? I would have a much better chance of leading a comfortable life in retirement if I left now.

At this point, I am sure my my romantically minded readers would like me to declare: 'But who cares about living well in retirement? The most important thing in life is love, and you have that in Mr Maiyuu!'

Romance is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills, especially when my 'life partner', if that is what he is to be, brings so little to the table. He is out of work, and shows no desire to get another job.

Maiyuu left school at 15, when his parents died. I spent much longer at the education thing, including five years at university. Why should I support him?

In those posts, I drew a line between what I am prepared to tolerate here, and what I would be likely to do in the West. I can live with Maiyuu here, because he is Thai, I am in Thailand, and we love each other.

If I was to return home one day in the future, I would want to start again, but alone. If that's the case, then I should contemplate doing it sooner rather than later. The longer I leave it, the harder it will be.

None of this amounts to a declaration that I am sick of Maiyuu, and want to leave right now. He's a sweet kid, and I love him. What some readers probably find hard to understand is how I can love him here, but not over there.

I might save that answer for another day, if you do not mind. But I doubt Maiyuu would want to accompany me anyway. Why do foreigners assume that Thais always want the chance to move to the West? It's not so. I am sure my guy would prefer to stay here.

Another reason I wrote about this things is that the issue so seldom addressed on Thai blogs or webboards.

How many foreigners living with Thais bother to ask, 'What would happen if I leave' - to both the foreigner himself, and the Thai?

If I was to leave: More thoughts

Some Thais do not want to live overseas. Should I ever leave this place, I doubt Maiyuu would want to come with me. In any case, I am not sure I would want him.

I don't know why some foreigners get so clucky over the thought of gay marriage. It doesn't appeal to me, and is not an option I would even consider.

Married to a guy who is so wilfully ignorant of the ways of the West? No thanks. He would be a chain around my neck.

If I returned overseas, I would want a new start. The only reason I would take Maiyuu would be as a helpmate - in the event I was incapable of starting again myself.

That's unlikely to happen, as I am still fit, relatively young, and capable.

'Oh, a button has fallen off my shirt! What should I do?'

'Oh, I'm hungry...who will cook for me?'

Pathetic...anyone can do better than that, including me.

Many farang seem keen on trying to civilise or westernise their Thai partners. Yet I like Maiyuu the way he is.

I don't insist he learns English; that challenge, in any event, takes years of study and practice. If he doesn't want to educate himself further, or put himself in training courses, then that is his choice. I won't force him.

But if the day comes when I do decide to leave this place for home, he will have to start again (just as I will, only I shall do it overseas).

My duty is to make him aware that one day it might happen; that in this life, anything can happen which forces an abrupt change in our circumstances. Will he be ready?

My parents are getting old. If my father suddenly fell ill, would I return home? It's possible. If my company started laying off people and I lost my job, I would have no choice but to return, as I have no desire to start again here.

I would also like the opportunity to work back home should one present itself.

In short, I am waiting for someone to move my cheese - to force change upon me.

In the short term, I am unlikely to pull the plug on my Thai life myself, unless relations with the boyfriend suddenly deteriorated, and I could not be bothered trying to revive the relationship.

Over time, however, these thoughts are likely to weigh more heavily upon me, so in the end I might move my cheese myself, without waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Once again, my only obligation to the boyfriend is to let him know that it could happen, that nothing is permanent, and that in the grand scheme of things - work, family, boyfriend - he might well end up coming in third.

Maiyuu lets me see little of him. I have lived with him for nine years, but sometimes feel I am only just getting to know him.

'I could fall under a bus tomorrow - have you ever thought of what could happen to you if I did?' I asked him the other day.

'No,' he replied simply.

That's so Thai...live for the moment!

Why bother with such people? Well, I'm here, so I may as well. But anywhere else? No thanks. I can do better, and if Maiyuu really is intent on being so frustratingly Thai, then he might also be better off in a relationship with someone else - with one of his own kind, not with me.

If I was to leave (part 2, final)

All foreigners who live here go through phases when they would rather be somewhere else.

Eventually, the negative feelings fade, and we regain our enthusiasm. This time, my doubts are taking longer to dispel. Will I go back to my old pro-Thai self, or is it time to move on?

Without a doubt, now is not a good time to leave. Jobs in the West are hard to find, as the world economy is in bad shape. That, however, is really by-the-by.

A more intriguing question is how would the boyfriend react. 'Maiyuu, I want to go home. How would you feel if we parted?'

Until recently, I have told him that I am here forever. Now, I am not so sure.

A farang I know from work has just retired. He is not sure how he will survive beyond the next 10 years, as his superannuation savings are likely to run out.

He has a Thai wife, and has applied for residency. However, they are unlikely to help him make ends meet, if he really hasn't managed to save much since he arrived more than 12 years ago.

'Don't let this happen to you,' he warned me before he left.

If I decided to quit my job, and offered to give Maiyuu a large sum of money from my own superannuation savings at work, would it make any difference?

That would offer him financial relief, at least for a while. It would give him time to get a job, get back on his feet, so I could leave without feeling guilty, right?

Probably not, as he believes (correctly) that we are in love. It is the kind of love where, if we have done something to upset each other during the day, we find it hard to sleep. Well - ahem - I know I do.

Love is about understanding each other's needs, of course. Over the last six months, Maiyuu has been withdrawing from the world. He quit his job, then stopped calling his friends.

Is a man in this mental state ready to face the workforce? No.

If I did not still love him, then I would not care. But because I do love him, I will give him more time to get back his old self - then I will leave!

I am joking about walking out on the poor man. But I do want him to go back to being his old cheerful, actively engaged self. We all need friends, and work is not such a bad thing either.

'The expenses involved in working are too high. My wages would not cover them. It's better if I stay at home,' he says, while maintaining that he does not feel bored stuck indoors all day.

That's nonsense - just an excuse for not wanting to face people. Maiyuu has taken fright from the world, but I don't know why. What has happened to his self-esteem?

Still, let's assume that circumstances beyond my control forced me to contemplate leaving this place. Would he survive, and should I worry?

People adapt, because they must.

We would both find it hard to adjust to single life at first, but I am sure we would manage.

Lately, I have suggested that Maiyuu find a job, if only to put his own mind at rest.

What if I was to fall under a bus tomorrow? The result is the same. He owes it to himself to safeguard his future.

I have given him something to mull over. I told Maiyuu that I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves like a child. Let's see what he makes of that.